Bucket List

I have been thinking a lot about all of the things I want to do in my life.  (Three cancer scares in one year will make a person think about her mortality and all of the things she has left to do.)  So far, here's what I got...

Raise really awesome kids.
Skydive.
Sit on the lawn at Wimbledon
Write a book.
Start a restaurant.
Make that restaurant a college-town staple.
Record an album.
Front a band.
Travel Europe, Africa, and South America.
Visit all fifty states.
See the Northern Lights in person.
Go to cooking school.
Sing the National Anthem at a professional sporting event.
Grow a garden and live off the fruits (and vegetables) of my labor.
Shave my head.
Buy a cake from Charm City Cakes.
Stomp grapes in Europe.
Go to the Olympics.
Brew my own beer.
Dance with Ellen.

This is a work in progress.

What do YOU want to do?  What is on YOUR bucket list?

Break-ups and Best Sellers

When one girl exits, another one walks in.  I figure if it is true for doors, it has got to work with women.

A few weeks ago (before the weird conversation) i had the revelation that Dylan wasn't IT.  I realized i was (now - am) getting bored.  Aside from being gay and having divorced parents....there is not a lot of common ground.  Our conversations are pretty much substance-less.  We have very different ideas of relaxation and fun.  I have tried to explain in many different ways what my job is and she just doesn't get it.

Here's how I know she's not IT:  She isn't an adventurous eater.  She doesn't like old movies.  She thinks FaceBook is worthless.  She doesn't listen to music when she drives (or ever, really).  She doesn't understand why activism is so important.  She chose Leno over Letterman.  She would rather have dogs than kids.  (This list could be longer...but I think y'all get my point.)

She was comforting when I was freaking out about Tyra.  She made me laugh....when we were tipsy.  She has tattoos and a motorcycle.  I like her dogs.  Sleeping with her was fun.  (I wish I could say that this list could be longer....but it really can't.)

So.......peace out Dylan.  It was great to get back in the game with you, but looking back - I know we were using each other for the same purpose.  We needed to gain some confidence after "being off the market" for so long.  I hope that I gave you some because I did get some of my mine back.  Good luck!

All hope is not lost....Enter, Maggie.  Maggie and I have some mutual friends and spent time together sporadically with said friends.  We exchanged phone numbers, friended each other on FaceBook, and eventually became friends without the need of the intermediary.  And then, without warning, she made my insides smile.  Maggie walked into my life without an agenda and the connection that I am feeling has developed organically.  I'm not totally sure where our story will go or how it will end, but I am hoping it'll be a best-seller.

The Recovery: from home

I am officially back in my own apartment!!  My post-op appointment was on Monday morning in Salem.  Bad-Ass Barbie was wonderfully happy with the outcome, my recovery, and the progress on my incision.

Tyra was just under 5" inches in diameter and a heavy little bugger!  Contrary to popular belief, she was NOT imbedded in the lining of my uterus.  Rather, she was hanging from a substantial blood supply off the front side of my uterus.  She was so big that she was hiding my uterus.  If you will remember from one of my earlier posts, Bad-Ass Barbie commented on the size of my uterus.  She did the same this appointment-but it was the opposite reaction.  Opening my up she saw that my uterus is not large like first thought...instead it's actually pretty small.

I was very lucky...the surgery that was scheduled to take about 2 1/2 hours and would leave me on the couch for weeks lasted under an hour and I was up and moving within a week.  Bad-Ass Barbie was sure that the surgery would include a lot of work to reconstruct my uterus and might leave me unable to be pregnant.  I was prepared to wake up without my reproductive system.  I was prepared to adopt all of my children.  I was prepared to find a counselor to help me deal with the potential grief i would feel when i had to give-up my dream of being pregnant and feeling my child move and grow inside me.  I got really lucky....i got to walk out of the hospital with all of my organs and dreams in tact.

At my post-op appointment, Bad-Ass Barbie signed off on my work release and set the officially set the Sarah-can-TOTALLY-go-back-to-life-date for December 1!!  Right now, i am allowed to drive and go back to school....starting December 1, I can go back to work and get back to working out.  I have been so anxious to start running again, to get back to Jillian Michaels' DVDs, and to get back on track with the weight loss journey.  I have been SO frustrated that I have been complacent and blaming Tyra for the back and forth, the up and down.  I am looking forward to get back to it.

Favorite Things: Music Edition

People....I love music and I love finding new artists and listening to new albums.  Here is a mix of all time favorites and favorites as of late.  True, many of these are established bands with a long list of albums under their belts...but they make my heart skip a beat and therefore have made the list.

Weezer - Raditude
The newest album! 

Gossip - Music for Men
So many songs on this album just make me dance ROCK out!! 

Rilo Kiley - Under the Black Light & The Execution of All Things
...i love them both so much

Athens Boys Choir - Jockstraps & Unicorns & Bar Mitzvah Superhits of the 80's, 90's and Today
I have a HUGE crush on Katz...I would TOTALLY make babies with him!  enough for the editorial - radical Trans Spoken Word Artist that I am (clearly) head over heels for!

Bitch & Animal - Eternally Hard
They aren't together anymore...but their albums are still in circulation!  Animal still tours with Ani and the like and makes me wicked happy!!

God-des & She - Stand Up
I am also head-over-heels for God-des...she's a white, lesbian, Jewish rapper from Wisconsin.  They make me happy.

Company of Thieves - Ordinary Riches
ps...they are wonderful live.  If you have the chance to see them live...you should.

Kate Nash - Made of Bricks
ALSO puts on a kick-ass show.  haven't heard from her in a while...I really hope she is still at it!

Erin McKeown - Sing You Sinners
She just signed with Righteous Babe Records and is, therefore, a notch higher on the cool scale!

KATastroPHE - Let's Fuck, Then Talk About My Problems
Radical Trans Hip-Hop artist!!

Tina Dico - Count to Ten

Noisettes - Wild Young Hearts

Owl City - Ocean Eyes

Debra Arlyn - Tomorrow Another Day
GREAT local artist that I think is going to make a splash soon!

Buchanan - All Understood
A very unknown band...and i am pretty sure they are no longer together, but the lead singers voice makes me SO happy!

Marit Larsen - I found this video a while ago and CAN NOT find her albums anywhere.  If anyone knows how i can get it (especially the song in the video) i would be so grateful!!

I mustn't leave out Ani DiFranco (my favorite live album), Tegan & Sara (newest release - Sainthood), or Lily Allen (It's Not Me, It's You - One of my favorite album titles)...they will make any list ever made by me...everyone should know them.  The end.

PLEASE leave me comments with suggestions.

Favorite Things: SNL Edition

I was watching some one my favorite SNL skits and thought it would be fun to put them in one location so i didnt have to search all over for them.  I hope you enjoy!

Mary Poppins

Latest Celebrity Jeopardy!

Celebrity Blogger....I am SO bummed that Lorne Michaels kicked her off!!

Mom Jeans!!

Lova...I laugh soooo hard every time I watch this.

Post-Op!

The appointment is on Monday at 9:45 am.

The healing is going really well...the tape is off, I am getting stronger, feeling better, and getting really antsy.  I have been able to take the dog on walks without wanting to pass out, do light household chores, and stay awake through the day.  There is still a weird, numb sensation around the incision and it is itching like crazy!  My doctor friend says that is a good thing, though!  I never had to take the Oxy Codone for pain (thank jeebus), as I was able to manage on the UberProphen they gave me (800mg).  My body is working hard at getting back to normal and i can tell that i am almost there!

Thanks for all of your good vibes, and support.  I have loved talking with you, reading your notes, and getting your packages...they make my days!

Tyra has left the building!!: the photos

Killing some time in the Pre-Op Room

 

Killing some more time in the Pre-Op Room

 

My Pre-Op nurse, Christie.

She tried to hook me up with the doc that she thought was going to be my Anesthesiologist.  She later learned who was actually going to be my Anesthesiologist and that he wouldn't have been my type anyways.

Anesthesiologist (L) and Bad-Ass Barbie (R)

I gave her hell for that hat....she changed it....i didn't need any bad luck in the room with me. 

And, clearly, the Anesthesiologist is not my type.

From the Recovery Couch: part 1

I am a few days out from surgery now and the recovery process is going well.  I have carved out a spot on my moms couch, stocked her kitchen with my food, and arranged my things within my reach and am prepared to heal.

I am managing my pain really well so I am not on the narcotic painkillers (thank goodness).  I was really worried about how i would react to them.  the side effects: headaches, nausea, and constipation. PASS!  I have been having enough problems regulating my digestive tract...i don't need help.  So, instead of the narcotic pain meds i am on uber-ibuprofen...advil on steroids.  It is doing the trick without doing a number on my insides. 

I have learned quite a few things about my body and just how important the core muscles are to everyday life.  having an eight inch incision in my abdominal muscles has changed my perspective on the majority of mundane, daily activities. coughing, sneezing, using the bathroom, walking, blowing my nose.....all difficult.  laughing....nearly impossible.  Luckily, there are are some things that are getting easier.  walking, getting in and out of chairs, sitting up, and stairs used to take me a long time and required a lot of time, patience, and focus.  these things are, however, getting easier each time i do them.

Some other revelations, lessons, and epiphanies so far:
- Eating swedish fish with cotton mouth is realllllly hard.
- Snuggies are wonderful.
- the blanket that kept me "safe" as a young child is still comforting.
- taking a shower is the best way to start feeling better.
- "it hurts so good" is a lie

As Simon & Garfunkle would say.....

I'm Homeward Bound!!  I just spoke with the doctor on call.  he checked me out and all is clear. 

Last night, after i took a little walk with Kristen my right arm and ribcage started feeling really sore.  When i took deep breaths in i get a sharp pain in my side and my arm is really heavy...like it is made of lead.  My nurses have been great helping me manage my pain and after listening to my lungs and feeling around, everyone, including the on-call doctor, is feeling good that my ribs are all in tact and that the soreness is from being moved and having my arm extended and secured during surgery. 

I had a lot of visitors last night!  Kristen was the first one to stop by.  She brought me some snickers and a Diet Dr Pepper....after i was wonderfully pathetic via text message.  It was so nice to have one of my besties to keep me company.  I was passed out when she got here so she sat patiently and waited for me to wake up.  As Kristen was here, Laura stopped by and we had a good conversation....we chatted about our experiences living Alliance (Kristen lived there with me our freshmen year and Laura lived there for her sophomore year...in Kristen's old room!). 

After a little bit, Laura left and my dad and step mom stopped by.....with a pound of red swedish fish!!  AWSOME!!  Kristen got to meet them and chat a little before she made her way back up North.  After Kristen left, we watched the Yankees win the world series and chatted about the surgery, the non-complications, and the recovery period.  It was really great to see them.  While they were here, I spiked a slight fever.  It took a while for it to break and go down so that got me a little freaked out, but it finally did.

Later on, Dave and Nicole came by....with an OSU snuggie!!!  It was wonderful to see them and to have a good laugh.....i hadn't had one in a while and it was so refreshing.  I can't wait to start sporting the Snggie....it will be epic.

Tyra has left the building!!

Great news friends! 

The fibroid is out and that is the only thing to be gone from my body.  My bladder and uterus are fine, surgery was nice and quick (about an hour), i am eating and drinking just fine, and the nausea is mostly non-existent.  Bad Ass Barbie is pretty hopefully that the healing will be easy and that i won't have complications during pregnancy and birth as a result of this surgery. :D

Before surgery, Bad Ass Barbie came into the pre-op room while I was using the restroom.  She was wearing a University of Oregon cap!  I guess my mom gave her some crap about it and told her that i would do the same.  Sure enough, i came back into the room, holding my IV bags in one hand and making sure my gown was together with the other, and said "Doc...i feel slightly betrayed."  We had a good laugh about it...and then she changed her cap. ;)

I just talked to the doctor on call.  He checked the surgery site, took off the dressing, stopped my morphine drip, starting some oral pain killers, and cleared me for discharge tomorrow around noon.  I am so excited to take a shower, sleep without nurses walking in and out, and eat food i want without having to order from a menu.

I am super lucky, though...my nurses have been great and I even managed to take pictures with finger mustaches!  (i'll post them when i get outta here).  Last night, one of my nurses, Olga, was taking me for a walk in the middle of SYTYCD and she got so enthralled!  it was precious.   I am so glad that we have wireless internet in the rooms so i can chat with friends, facebook, and update this sucker! There is only one awkward thing....there is a mentally unstable woman at the end of the hall who, every now and then, growls like a lion.  I have gotten used to it, however, and i am not longer startled when i wake up hearing that.

Thanks for all of your support during this whole ordeal.  I could tell that i had a community of people from around the country that were sending me love, good vibes, and positive energy my way yesterday and it was so comforting.

post-tyra!!

It's the Final Countdown!

I will be at the hospital in less than 12 hours....oy!  I got a lot done today: packing, cleaning, prepping my staff, and running errands all over town.  In all the hustle and bustle, I totally spaced school.  Crap in a bucket!  I wanted/needed to get a lot more done this weekend to get ahead, but that did not happen...at all.  Hopefully my teachers will be flexible...ugh.

In between packing and prepping, I spent some time with Dylan this weekend and it was WEIRD.  She was distant and all together uninterested.  Normally we can't keep our hands off of each other....she barely held my hand this weekend.  Our conversations were very surface level...until I had a mini meltdown.  Her mother invited herself along on nearly EVERYTHING we did.  I thought I was going to scream.  Finally, I had enough when, after we got back to her place from a Target run, after we decided we were going to take a nap, her mother got all excited about something and totally took Dylan's attention.  First off, her mother is really annoying and totally oblivious to what is going on around her.  Second, she drives me crazy.  Third, I needed some time with Dylan to talk about the weekend's weirdness.  I was entirely overwhelmed and at my breaking point.  Dylan was puttering with whatever her mother was trying to figure out and I leaned over and told her I was going to head out.  This caught her attention and after an initial calm-me-down moment we went to the other room, crawled in her bed, and stared at each other...it was obvious there was something going on for the both of us....something more than my surgery and her house. 

I don't remember who broke the tension or how the conversation started but we ended up talking about what we are doing and the direction we are headed.  I wish I remembered, in detail, more about the conversation...but what i can recount is that there was a lot of contradiction between word and action, a lot of standing up for myself, and at the end, a lot of unknown.  For a moment i thought that we were ending our....whatever we are doing....but then she leaned over to kiss me and said that I make her feel comfortable and totally free to be who she is.  In one breath she said that she spends too much time with me when she wanted to be dating and getting back in the "game."  In the next breath she asked when she could come to my mom's house to keep me company and take care of me. 

At the end of it all, I walked out of her house feeling confident that I stood up for myself yet totally confused.  I didn't have the energy, however, to try and figure it out.  Luckily, Katherine picked up her phone and she let me process. Thank God for lesbian besties.

The crappy part about it all (aside from having no idea where we stand)....we had this weird talk two days before major surgery with a recovery period that will render me incapable of doing much more than thinking about what i should have said and what she might be thinking. blech.

I'm not totally sure if I will have time to post before surgery tomorrow so if I don't here are some details...I am due at the hospital right before noon.  the actual surgery is scheduled for 2:20 PM and should take about 2 hours.  I will happily accept any positivity and good vibes you have to spare and are willing to send my way! 


Shalom!!!

The Plan: In Action

Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment with Bad Ass Barbie.  We chatted about potential damage to other organs (ovaries and bladder mainly), the potential of losing my uterus (thankfully very slim), and all of the other health concerns and stuff to take into consideration: medication modifications to level out my blood work, how my heart will/could react, what tests i need to take and labs i need to do.   I am scheduled to do blood work and labs on Monday and then need to be at the hospital by noon on Tuesday.  

Here's the part that kills me......I have to take a pregnancy test.....even though I am gay and there is no possible way for me to be accidentally pregnant.  This is a "problem" reserved for straight couples.  I wish, more than anything, that biology was on my side and my partner and I could (one day) conceive children without looking to contraptions, sperm donors, and fertility treatments.  I feel like it's almost a slap in the face to make me pee in a cup.....rub it in my face....hmm.

I will not be allowed to have surgery without the test and it's not hard to do....it's just borderline discriminatory.  It would be one thing if i said that my partner had a vasectomy or that I was on the pill and we used condoms.....all of those options fail from time to time.  lesbian sex will never make a baby.

I understand that sometimes people lie about being sexual active or contraceptives fail or people don't use it....but WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT SLEEPING WITH WOMEN?!  I understand that surgery to the uterus would not be good for a fetus....but there isn't one.

If I am pregnant we need to call the pope cause we have another immaculate conception on our hands.

UPDATE:  Officially NOT pregnant.....Shocker.

Baby Brandon...an update

Brandon passed away tonight.  He left a stamp on our hearts in just seven days, 18 hours and 18 minutes.

Thank you for all of your prayers, strength, and love.  I know that his family appreciated it and felt every kind, compassionate, and inspiring word you thought, prayed, and said in their direction.

Please continue to to pray for his parents, Katie and Dino, and the rest of his family as they grieve and manage this tragedy.

Baby Brandon

Ladies and gentlemen....there is a new baby that entered this world who needs all of the prayers, good vibes, positivity, and well wishes that y'all can muster.  This baby, Brandon Oliver, was born to one of the sweetest, most loving, and amazing women I know.  Katie is the older sister of my best friend from high school, Jenny.  I spent countless hours at their house as a teenager and loved every hour i was in the presence of these strong, passionate women.

When Katie got pregnant I was overjoyed!  She had been waiting for a baby for so long and this baby was going to get spoiled!  Well, life threw her a curve ball and she spent the majority of her pregnancy on bed-rest.  Katie is a hard-working, busy, passionate woman and sitting still for a long time was not really part of her life....but for her baby, she made it part of her life.  Brandon was born on Monday, October 19 at 11:24 pm....and life threw her another (BIGGER) curve ball.

Here is the email Katie sent out shortly after Brandon was born:

Hello All,

As many of you know, Brandon was born on Monday night, 10/19/2009 at 11:24 PM. He was 7lbs 6oz and 20 3/4 inches long. We are so excited to have him.

Unfortunately, there were some complications in the baby's health that made things difficult. Although the birthing process was going really well, his heart rate decelerated during the process and failed to come up. I was sedated and he was born via emergency c-section (Dr. Strebel saved B's life,and I am so grateful for him!). He was immediately intubated and taken to the NICU. Dino was able to see him a few times and take some pictures. A few hours later he was taken by air to a hospital in Salt Lake City where he could get a higher level of care. I was able to see him for a less than a minute before he left, but he was really cute!

Currently, Brandon is intubated and they have completed some brain studies, including an ultrasound of his brain. They have noticed an area that seems to have gotten less blood flow than the rest. However, he kicks a lot and seems to know his Daddy (Dino is in Salt Lake City with him). He is very very cute, with blonde hair and green/blue eyes. We are waiting for a brain MRI to be completed on Friday so we can get a better idea of how healthy he is.

I will be with the baby on Monday, whether he is in Salt Lake City or Vegas. I will send a new email and more pics as soon as possible.

Thank you for all of the love and prayers you have sent our way! We appreciate all of you!

Love,
Katie, Dino and Brandon

As of late, God and I have been on a break.  I have been trying to figure out where i fit, what i think and believe about God, and which kind of pew i should sit in....Catholic, Jewish, or something else. When I heard from Katie and Jenny on Tuesday morning, i found myself pacing through my apartment, wringing my hands, and praying.  I know that my prayers, well wishes, good vibes, and positivity need to be echoed.  It would mean so much to me if you could all send some love towards that tiny baby and his family.

Brandon Oliver

A New Favorite Thing...on the internet

In class today, my professors introduced the class to the world of Word Clouds.  On this website, wordle.net, users input text and their tool inputs the different words into clusters with the most common words larger and the least used words smaller.  So....in honor of the Ani Show on Friday, I made some with her lyrics.  I am having troubles saving the image.....so I am working on it and will let you know when/if i figure it out.

32 Flavors 
Not a Pretty Girl
Untouchable Face

I think i have found my new waste-of-time!!

Interesting Twist

I got an en email this week that the website i used to meet Dylan was having a "Free Communication Weekend."  Things are going well with Dylan but we are still open to meeting and seeing other people.  So, after giving it some thought i decided to check back and see who i might get introduced to. 

Annie came onto my screen and after looking at her profile, exchanging what is important to us in relationships, and asking and answering each other some short answer questions we exchanged emails and i have started to get some butterflies.  I am interested to see what happens....hopefully we will continue the conversation. 

Whoops.

I have realized that I am....shockingly...behind.  I should be further along in my portfolio.  hell...i should have started my portfolio.  FML.

I was always more of a Joey fan...How about you?

Tonight over a fabulous dinner of sushi and gelato (two things that truly go together, am I right?!) with some of the only people I can truly label as friends from my graduate school experience I started sorting out stuff with Dylan.  It was over spicy tuna rolls, edamame, and coconut gelato that i realized that I am falling for Dylan....if I haven't already.  I have been thinking about bringing the "what are we" conversation back up, but i have changed my mind after comments about how great she feels in this space in her life where she can do whatever she wants and she feels totally free.  Since I am trying this whole "don't over-analyze" thing I have been taking her statements at face value and not reading more into it.

Do I want her to ask me to be her girlfriend?  Yup.  Do I want to have the conversation about where this is going?  I sure do.  Do I want to bring her and us onto my train of thought about next year?  I wouldn't mind it.  Even though I want all of these things I also really want her to be with me, in a committed fashion, because she is ready and because she wants to be.  I am not looking for a key to her house, my name on the mortgage, or a ring on my finger.  I am just ready for a little more stability and structure in our....whatever we are.  It is getting to the point where it is hard to be nebulous. It is so much easier to say "my girlfriend, Dylan," but it's not the truth. 

In the immortal words of NKOTB...I need to take this Step by Step....whatever those are.

Seriously though.....who did you like?  Joey, Jordan, Jonathan, Donny, or Danny?

ps....i can not call myself a true, die-hard fan.  I had to go to their Wikipedia page to remember all of their names.  I do, however, STILL have the Step by Step album and I am not afraid to admit that I put it on my iPod.

The Plan: part five (edited)

I was looking over the paperwork I was sent by my doctor last night.  Up at the top the woman who sent it all to me wrote in reminders about my pre-op appointment and surgical appointment.

Pre-Op: 10/28.
Check.

Surgery: 11/3.
WHAT!?

I had 11/11 written down.  I asked the woman I was on the phone with about five different ways to verify that we were scheduling for November 11 at 230 pm.  I planned to be gone from work and school starting the week of November 11.  My staff was prepared, my duty was covered, and my support team was in place for November 11.  SHIT.....November 3 throws more than a few kinks in the pipe.

I called Salem Hospital the next morning and chatted with a woman in Surgical Scheduling and she verified that, yup...I was on the book for Tuesday, November 3.  "I'm not sure why they told you a Wednesday. Kaiser doesn't do surgery here on Wednesdays......."  There was a horribly awkward silence and I came to understanding that I would need to be changing the plans.

so........in the morning..........i changed the plans.  Tyra Banks will be gone 8 days sooner.

A New Favorite Thing

I am in love with my down comforter, feather bed, and feather pillow.  What I am NOT in love with is the shifting and falling and gaps that happen throughout the night leaving my comforter bunched at the bottom of the duvet.  I hate being cold in the middle of the night because all I have is two thin pieces of cotton covering me.  I hate trying to shake the comforter back into position in the wee hours of the morning.  This is where my new favorite things come in wonderfully handy.  I found Duvet Grips at Bed Bath & Beyond and made the $5.39 investment hoping that this silly product I found strewn amongst the "As Seen on TV" products would be worth it. 

Ladies and gentlemen...it was worth it. 

These clips keep my comforter in place, they haven't come loose, and are versatile enough to fit any warmth rating comforter.  I can layer comforters during the winter and have everything stay put.  I am in love with the fact that i have not had to do the comforter de-bunching-dance.    If you have bunched comforters....give these suckers a try.

Grandma's Table

Side Note:

Please feel free to leave comments!!  It makes happy to know that people are reading and i really would like feedback!

The Entry:
I am getting braver with this whole blogging thing.  I have begun to "advertise" the blog to friends,  class mates, and family and have, therefore, invited them into my life in a way that I have never done.  I have been, throughout my life, very guarded and private; letting only close friends know intimate details and stories.  This blog has opened a door; i have a new desire to open my life to friends and family in a new, much less guarded, authentic, and raw way.  This blog has left me exposed in a manner that i have not been brave enough to be.  I am most concerned about the reactions from my family.  I feel like I have been one version of me in front of them and a very different one the rest of the time.  While i know that my family is (for the most part) supportive and encouraging, there is still the fear in the back of my mind that learning about my life on such a level that i bring to the blog may cause some of my family to turn their backs.  Losing my spot at my grandmother's dinner table would be one the biggest pains of my life, no matter how intensely i have defended my independence or drifted from their reach.

I think many, if not all, members of the LGBTQ community have faced this fear at some point in their lives.  It causes me great pain that i have not been able to say that i am totally out, although i have been out in my social, work, and home life for many years.  There are still pockets of my family that i have not explicitly told.  I have dropped hints like crazy to my uncles...but i haven't said the words "yup, i'm gay" to all of them.

Thanks to the divorce, my uncles became the "positive male role models" in my life and i looked to them often as the good guys in the world.  I always looked forward to dinners at grandma's house because i got to spend time with them; I loved hearing them laugh, tell stories about their childhood with my mom, and watching movies or games with them.  I got an email tonight from the middle uncle, Dave, with a link to his bowling team's fan page...it's a riot.  He bowls at the same alley as Dylan (different night and very different league).  I wrote back and casually mentioned that I am, indeed, a lesbian:  "The woman I am dating bowls in a league there on Fridays!  I love that place!"  (I am pretty sure that Dave knows, but it just feels good that i am FINALLY...officially...out to two of the three uncles.)

Uncle Jimmy, the youngest, has been a great source of strength, perspective, and insight to the family.  He was the first one of the three i told.  He is sure that my grandparents, his parents, will be supportive, loving, and there.  He told me stories of times in his life, as well and instances in my mother's, that he feared losing the support, trust, love and confidence of his parents.  He was relieved and surprised that as much as he "messed up" they were still standing tall by his side.   I am afraid, however, that they will cling to their Catholic heritage and use their faith as a reason to abandon and shun me.  Being gay in the Catholic church isn't a source of pride.  Many of my gay friends who are still with the church speak about instances of hate and prejudice although they are, in many respects, better Catholics than their straight counterparts.  I am worried my grandparents will not be willing to recognize my future partner and children as members of their family.  I am worried that my children will grow up without great-grandparents.  I cherish the memories that i have with my Granny and it hurts my soul to think that my children would miss out on making their own memories with great-grandparents because of ignorance and hate.  My grandparents and I have not always seen eye to eye - correction - we have never seen eye to eye.  They often infuriate me, but i am terrified of losing them.

The eldest Uncle, Steve, has always been the funny one.  I sit next to him at my grandparent's dinner table and we make jokes to each other under our breath.  I have loved growing up and getting to be an adult next to him.  He was one of the first people in my life to make me feel valid as a "grown up."  I'm not even sure what exactly happened, but i remember being looked to as an equal with valid insight in the adult conversations that we have over coffee and pie after the dinner table is cleared and as our meal digests.

There is a predictability about dinners and grandma's.  To my child-self, this predictability was a welcome change to the scurry i remember feeling about being at home.  As a child i remember often feeling out of control and chaotic.  Dinners at grandma's were always the same: neat, organized, and comforting.  The food was delicious and soul satisfying; I left with a full belly and an easy-going spirit.  I guess even my adult-self often feels panicked and out-of-control and as if i am standing in the middle of a storm so I have put off coming all the way out because i have feared losing my place at the table.

Glitches....or not

This past weekend Dylan and I got to spend some quality time reconnecting, remembering each other, and having an all together good time.  I was sad to be missing a house-warming party for some friends in Missoula (love you, Grubers!!)...pending hospital bills are putting a stop on the majority of spending right now...oy.  I was also sad that putting a halt on that trip meant that I didn't get to introduce Dylan to the Framily. 

I wish that i could say that this weekend was full of fire works and bells and whistles...but it wasn't.  Drama and show is not really how either Dylan or I roll.  Rather, this weekend was full of ordinary things and finding chances to flirt and talk and laugh throughout.  Friday night we went to dinner and her bowling league.  I brought my computer with me for the weekend because i A) didn't know what my plans were beyond Friday night (I was hoping they included seeing Dylan more, but we had never talked about plans beyond Friday night and Saturday morning); and B) had a crap-ton of homework.  While she and her team bowled, i sat above the lanes and focused on my writing.  I made sure to watch her every time she was up but was mostly focused on getting a chunk of work done so that i would be free for whatever happened for the rest of the weekend.  I could see the guys she bowls with giving her a hard time about bringing a girl bowling and i loved watching her blush.  In between each frame we would flirt, make eyes at each other, and snuggle a little in public...it was refreshing to know that it was hard for her to keep her hands off of me and it was reassuring to know that the glitches i was feeling were only there because of the time we had been apart.

The rest of the weekend was AWESOME!!  We did things for her new house, i got some more homework done, we had good conversation, spent time catching up and laughed a lot.  It was nice to hug her and snuggle and feel her hands on the small of my back.  It felt so good to have her hands back in mine, to look into her beautiful brown eyes, and to get kisses on my neck.  It was comforting to hear her tell me that she thinks i'm sexy, to have her ask me when she gets to see me next, to hate to watch me walk away.

Tonight, I asked Dylan to go to a show with me this weekend...I wanted to take her out on a date.  She's not much of a show person but, in her words, "for you, i would go."  I took the opportunity to ask her to go to Ani on October 23 with me instead of the show this weekend.  She obliged..."i would love to go with you."  Along with seeing Ani, she is going to be meeting some of the Framily!  yaaay!!  I am super excited for the show and for Kristen and Aliesje to meet her.  I am excited to take her on a date, to spoil her a little, and to have a great weekend before Tyra Banks comes out (37 days and counting!).

Glitches

It has been a long time since Dylan and I have had a real(-ish) conversation.  There have been short conversations over text or chat throughout training, but it wasn't until this most recent Monday that we have actually spoken on the phone and sustained any sort of conversation. 

It was great to hear her voice but awkward at the same time.  It was like we were starting all over and re-learning each other's conversation style, intonation, and humor.  There is one art of me that is trying to decide if this is a hiccup or a road block.  But there is another part of me telling me shut up and let it be.  I think i am going to go with the latter.  I am hoping that not seeing each other in about three weeks has caused a software glitch and we can get back to normal this weekend. 

A Baby Shower

I walked out of my class tonight with some friends and we started talking about the ball-of-fun and surgery.  We decided that I should have a baby shower since I am essentially having a C-Section...just minus the baby.

I think it's a great idea!!  We can play baby games, drink beer out of bottles, I can get presents, and eat cake.  I decided that it is definitely a girl.  I was brainstorming names with my car-pool buddy and decided that the ball-of-fun shall be hence forth referred to as Tyra Banks.  Why, you ask.  Well, Tyra, like the ball-of-fun, is annoying.  Similarly, they are both fierce.  I have a feeling the ball-of-fun can smile with her eyes and that she turns every conversation with my organs into a conversation about her....she is self-absorbed like that.

The Plan: part five

I got a call from surgical scheduling this morning....I am on the calendar for 11 November 2009 at 2:30 pm and I have a pre-op appointment on Oct 28.

I thought that i would be relieved to finally be on the books...but i'm not.  I'm more freaked out now.

I did not read enough this summer. 

I am sad about this and a little disappointed in the lack of literature in my life.

I need to figure out how to fix this.  Maybe i will be lucky and be coherent enough to read whilst couch-bound during the recovery process.

Lessons Learned from the Year of Yes

As the culminating experience for this year's RA training, the Professional Staff decided a ropes course was in order.  One of the staples of RA training is usually "Camp."  This year, with the university facing the budget reality that the majority of colleges and universities are also dealing with, we needed cut costs where ever we could.  One of the hard decisions was if we should still go on retreat.  Professional Staff decided that with the budget reality, the calendar, and the feedback we had been given, we could create a memorable and educational experience without camp.  Instead, we did an all-day ropes course experience.  Last time I was on a ropes course I chickened out.  I was not allowing myself to do that this time.

We started the day on the low elements and i must say....we kicked ass!!  The very first thing we did was a circuit of low elements where the team was broken into two groups and the groups had to start at the same tree, travel in opposite directions, pass each other, and meet back at the same tree.  it was, by far, the most physically challenging part of the day.  at one point, i was climbing a spider web.  We had to go from left to right without touching the wire...we could touch rope...not wire.  as i stepped onto the web, i got really tired.  I found myself thinking about giving up.  I thought about saying that i couldn't do it. i thought about falling off.  but i didnt.  I dont know what happened but all of a sudden, i was off the web and onto the next element.

I remember thinking that this was not the hardest thing i would deal with this year.  I still had the giant swing, the zip line, and major surgery to get out of the way before i could tackle my portfolio and graduation.

After lunch it was on to the high elements.  my group of 13 people got through 5 elements in 3 hours!!  I was impressed!!!  Since we were the largest group of the afternoon, we got to go on the zip line first At the same time that we were doing the zip line, we were doing an element where you climb a freestanding pole, stand on top, jump off and hit a giant ball on the way down.  To that, i said.....yeah right.  i refused to come off any element by billet....i wanted to reserve my nerves for the zip line.  When it was my turn, i climbed up the giant tree without any major problems.  The woman at the top of the tree said my eyes were very intense (she found me later in the day and told me she loved my eyes...."they burned an impression on her soul").  I got the top, got hooked into the zip line and was TERRIFIED.  It was in that moment that i solidified i am not afraid of heights.  rather, i am afraid of falling.  I looked at the woman who was ready for me to go whenever i was ready.  I think i teared up a little because i was so scared.  but then i told myself that there is only one way down and jumped.  i thought that i was screaming "Oh SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT" in my head.  Nope, i was totally screaming out loud.  I got back up to the hill where my team was laughing super hard and informed me that i was screaming out loud.  We all laughed wicked hard about the whole thing as we watched Russell go up the pole and jump off BLINDFOLDED!  I did two more elements (the flying squirrel and the giant swing) and walked away very proud of myself.  More than proud, i walked away confident.  I felt confident in what i have....how i operate....and what i bring to the table.

On the ride home we got into a conversation about the last time that we brought people to a ropes course.  Zack, a 3rd year RA who was on my team that year, and I started talking about how i chickened out last time.

"What happened there, Boss?" he asked.

"I dont know.  I think i am just stronger." I answered him solemnly with a real understanding that I had changed since then.

I thought about that statement a lot as we drove home.  I am so much stronger in a lot of ways.  Since last time (Fall 2007), i have become physically stronger and more fit (true....there is still a long way to go, but I am miles from where i was).  More than the physical difference, I know that the last time i was faced with high ropes elements, I did not have the confidence in myself to even try.  I was still so damaged and broken from that break up (sorry, kb).  When i moved back to Oregon i was hungry for my fresh start but when i was given the opportunity to literally jump into a new beginning i got scared and backed out....i wasn't willing to invest in me.  Two years later though, i quiet the little voice in my head that tells me i can't do it before she has a chance to start.  Two years later, i push fear and doubt out of my soul before they have a chance to get there.  Two years later, I am proactive, reflective, and thankful.  Two years later, i am hopeful, optimistic, and sure.  Two years later, i know who I am.

With the Year of Yes has come a lot of chance for me to understand my strength and skills.  I have learned that even though it might hurt like hell to do 10 more reps, it will hurt more to give up.  I have learned that even though i might be scared to have hard conversations and ask hard questions, i will be more scared not knowing the answers.  I have learned that I am stronger than I look, smarter than I give my self credit for, and braver than i thought i was.

Getting Back on Track

Tuesdays are my weigh-in days for Weight Watchers.  I have been doing well.  30+ pounds so far and my goal is getting closer.  Lately, however, with the stress of training, the ball-of-fun, starting a relationship, and getting back into the swing of school I have let my progress and success take a back seat.  Over the past month i have let my circumstances take control. 

At today's meeting i felt the effect of that more than i have in quite a while.  I honestly don't know what happened, but I know that i gained.  I know exactly WHY i gained, too.  My love affair with carbs matched with a lot of apathy, a lot of sitting, and a lot of excuses have helped me reverse all of the work that i had been doing. 

Tonight......I ate a blizzard as i was watching The Biggest Loser.  It used to be funny.  It used to be a joke to my friends and I to fuel our "inner fat kids" while we watched other fat kids battle their fat.  We let their success be good enough for us.  The minute i started weight watchers, though, i made a promise that i would not let my circumstances take over....i would never again make excuses.  But i have been.  Since i got told that I was had this giant thing inside my body, i have been finding a lot of reasons why i should not follow the plan. 

I'm not sure what i need to do, but somehow, i need to get my ass back in gear and back on plan.  I want to fit into my dress for Sarah's wedding.  I want to fit into the skinny jeans.  I want to feel confident in my skin.  Hell, I want to feel confident naked!  I want to believe it when Dylan tells me i'm sexy (cause i sure as hell don't right now).  I know that all of these things are based in physical appearance....but i have NEVER experienced these things.  This journey is not about getting back to somewhere i was....this is about getting somewhere i have never been.  I don't know if i have even thought that it was possible.  I have always known and believed that i would be fat my whole life long.  I am at the point where losing is great.....but losing is scary.  I don't know what it's like to be thin.  I don't know what it's like to be confident.  I don't know what it's like to be truly comfortable in my skin; truly comfortable in front of a group of people; truly comfortable letting a partner see me exposed.  I am scared that i will get to my goal weight and not be satisfied with what is left.  for me, that's the scariest part......what if, even thin, i'm not enough.  I tell the young women and men i work with that no matter what anyone tells them: they are enough.  I need to take (and LISTEN) to my own words.  but....FUCK......it's hard.

Tonight on the premiere of The Biggest Loser, Jillian (the woman that inspires me, kicks my ass through DVD work outs, has her voice burned in my head), helped kick my mental self back in gear.   Here are some of the Jillian-isms that resonated tonight:

"It's a choice.  Make a different Choice. If you don't then no one can help you."

"What I will not tolerate is working below your potential."

The Plan: part four

I got an email from Bad-Ass Barbie this week. 

She doesn't have privileges at St. Vincent's or Sunnyside so it looks like i have (had) a decision to make.  Either I do surgery at Salem Hospital and deal with car-sickness whilst on pain meds to travel up to my mom's once i'm released from the hospital or Bad-Ass Barbie refers me to a doc up North. 

I chose to keep Bad-Ass Barbie and deal with the drive.

The Queen of Apathy

OMFG.....I have been sooooooo OVER it all week.  sadly, i don't have a good reason to be.  I like my staff, i love my job, the schedule is fairly cake, and i like the sessions i am presenting.  I have just been over it. 

Any ideas to help me out of this funk?

I have to be honest.....I am little terrified to start RA training on Monday.  This year I got really attached to summer and the freedom that comes with the absence of college students everywhere i turn.  I think I am less-ready for this year because i know that there are a lot of decisions to make this year....there is a lot of work to be done....there is a lot riding on 2009-2010. 

I have to graduate.  I have to put together a portfolio that I am proud of.  I have to put together a portfolio that my committee will approve of.  I have to get through three internships and 6 more classes (all while working full-time and trying to heal from massive surgery).  Last year I felt in over my head with Theory I, Legal Issues, and Theory II.  Those classes were the most academically demanding and made my brain hurt.....all the time.  But this year....there is an end in sight and I am terrified of it.  I am scared that I will drop the ball in the 11th hour.  

I have to decide if I am staying at WOU for a 4th year.  We are building a new Res Hall and I really want it......but....i really don't know how I will do in Monmouth for a 4th year.  I don't know if I can.  I miss the city.  I miss the options.  I miss being close to my friends.  I miss being close to my family.  BUT....I love my job, i love the people i work for, i love the opportunities i have at WOU, i love the trust that i have from my supervisors, i love that i am encouraged to try new things.  I was looking forward to having a year to do my job without school looming in my background.  I was NOT looking forward to doing a job search while i wrote a portfolio and did RA selection.  This is going to be a hard decision.

Which was is a girl to look?

The Plan: part three

Well, cats and kittens, I have news.  It involves a lot of crossed fingers.

I was beginning to get frustrated with Bad-Ass Barbie.  She told me at my last appointment that she would be doing some research about surgical options, reproductive endocrinologists, and further tests that would be needed.  On my end I was asked to look at my schedule for the rest of 2009 and give her a time line of when i could be out.  She told me that she would get to be no later than a week out (Wednesday).  Well, Wednesday came and went.  Nothing.  I sent her the email from my end during lunch.  On my heath care's website i can see if my email messages have been read.  As of 3:00 yesterday afternoon, she had still not read my email and I had no message.  grrrr.

This morning, however, i had a notice in my email letting me know that i has a message waiting for me.  I was nervous....ready for the news...but nervous.

"Studies show better success with open procedures than laporoscopic. We will make a bikini incision and go in and remove the fibroid. I have done this type of surgery quite successfully before and look forward to getting this taken care of for you. Expect 1-2 days in the hospital, followed by 2 weeks no driving (6 weeks complete recovery). We might get you back into classes at 2-3 weeks post op but no heavy activity for 6 weeks."

OK.....lets go.  There are still a lot of logistics to figure out, though.  Can the surgery be done in the Portland area so I'm closer to my mom's house?  How the hell am I going to basically sit still for 2 weeks?!  (NO DRIVING.......ugh.)  What about work?  Who will supervise my staff, cover duty, hear my conduct meetings?  What about school?  Will my professors let me miss that many classes?  How many will i actually have to miss?

Hopefully this will be a simple procedure and nothing will be wonky.  I have been having dreams that they go to take the bag-of-fun out and find that they have to take everything out.  I know that those are just my fears talking and creeping into my brain, but it is still scary to think about.  Cross your fingers for smooth sailing!

Hopefully i will get scheduled for early November.  Before that i would have to give up my Ani DiFranco tickets (yeah right).  Much later than that and I risk not being well for Sarah's wedding (yeah right).  Cross your fingers for an appointment in Portland during the first week of November!

I will gladly be accepting visitors (and cookies).

I decided that i am going to get a "commemorative tattoo" once i am all healed....along with the visitors and cookies, any suggestions for tattoos are welcome.

My Favorite Things

You know that song "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music? I love that song and whenever I find new products or restaurants or.....whatever, I think of that scene and hear Julie Andrews in my head as i add this new favorite thing to my running list.  I think it is only fair to share some of these great finds with people and this blog is a perfect medium.

The newest addition: Pangea Organics Facial Toner. This toner comes in three scents/varieties for three different skin types. French Rosemary with Sweet Orange for delicate, thirsty & evolved skin; Italian Green Mandarin with Sweet Lime for balanced & combo skin; and Argentinian Tangerine and Thyme for oil-rich & demanding skin.  If i were picking just based on smell, i think i would have gone with the Italian Green Mandarian and sweet Lime (because I am obsessed with lime lately), but i have demanding skin....so I went with the Argentinian Tangerine Thyme variety.  Let me tell you...it is AWESOME!  It smells delicious, has a spray nozzle so it travels well and i don't have to fuss with cotton balls, and the packaging is plant-able!  I have been using it for about a month and my skin has done a 180!  I don't have red, itchy skin; i don't have to use as much moisturizer; and i don't feel like a grease-ball at the end of the day.  two or three sprays in the morning and I am good to go for the day!

It is a bit spendy (about $23), but SO worth it!  I found it at Zupan's in Portland, but I am sure that you can find it at health food stores, co-ops, and speciality shops.  Like i said, i have been using it for about a month and i feel like i have hardly used any....i hope that meansit's worth it!

<3

One reason why i heart Weezer.

Complementary Colors

It has been (roughly) a month since Dylan and I went on our first date.  Things have been going well....really well.  I know that her last relationship didn't end well and she is wary about losing herself in a new relationship.  I get that.  A while back she asked what I was looking for....ultimately.  I said something jumbled and awkward in an attempt to sound cool and collected and sure.

What i was able to put together AFTER that conversation is that I want my partner and I to complement each other like colors.  I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with the person that will help me find center, be the calm to balance my chaos; be the blue to my orange.  I want us to be awesome in ourselves and extra awesome together.  I want to bask in my warm tones, celebrate her cool hues, and have more colors to paint with when we are working together.  Basically...I want us to have our independent lives that are more fun and more full because we get to share them with each other.  I don't need to share every hobby.  Have nights with your friends....I'll have time with mine...but lets plan dinner with everyone too.

One of the songs on heavy rotation on my iPod lately, Not the Doctor by Alanis Morrisette, makes me think about that conversation......"I believe that 1 + 1 = 2."  No matter what happens, i refuse to leave Sarah behind.  The last time i was in a committed relationship, i forgot who i was; i compromised my vision. 

I am walking into Fall Training and opening....ie: the busiest time of year at work.  Looking at my September the reality is that seeing Dylan is going to be fairly tricky.  I am more than willing to put in the effort...but i wonder if she is.  This weekend i think we are going to be re-visiting the "what are we" conversation.  I am willing to be patient...but i refuse to be strung a long.  I hope that there is momentum behind our nightly conversations, weekends together, and comfortable silence.

Wish me luck!

Making it work

I re-hydrated a bunch of garbanzo beans last night and was determined to make something delicious and new for dinner tonight.  But, i got tired and lazy and settled on throwing together a hummus.  I have missed being able to grab a quick snack in the middle of the day that is low in points, totally satisfying, delicious, and (most importantly) easy!  I made a roasted garlic and spinach hummus a while ago and LOVED it.  Tonight, however, I had no spinach in my fridge.  On top of that, I am low on oil, out of lemons, didnt feel like roasting garlic, and craving some spice. so i had to make it work.

Enter.....Salsa.

People.....this is one of my best finds of the year (and Weight Watchers journey). I added salt, fresh garlic, red pepper flakes, a fresh red pepper, a little oil, and spoonfuls of salsa into the food processor and let the machine did the work.  It is AWESOME!!!

Leaving my Mark

Today i went to the OSU challenge course to participate in my first training and get some hours in for my internship.  It was great!  I got to participate in the activities and thought of many ways to incorporate new activities into fall training.  The other people at the training have been working at the challenge course longer than me (obviously).  Some of them have made the gig with the challenge course part of their livelihood and supplement their income by facilitating ropes courses and teambuilding events.  It was wonderful to learn modifications, tricks, and good one-liners from them.  There were also people there who are newer members of the challenge course team.  I felt like even though i didn't go through the training that they went through in June, I was on-par with them.

I relied a lot on my knowledge of student development theory to frame questions and bring perspective and insight about the group we were preparing for.  I felt like i had a bit of a leg up on thanks to my job and my grad program.  I felt a bit like a broken record, but it was nice to be looked to for answers.  It was one of the first moments that I owned my "expertise."  In many respects i still feel a little new and often doubt my experience.  I'm not quite sure when that feeling will subside and when i will confident enough.  I'm also not quite sure why i don't feel confident now.  I am going into my fourth year as a student affairs professional, I have a wide range of experiences from various institutions, I have nearly completed my degree, I have participated and presented at national conferences, I have.....no reason to doubt myself.  yet, here i am....wondering when i am going to be "enough."

The nice thing about being at the challenge course today was that I could really see myself using this Internship to frame the rest of my career in higher ed.  I have dreamed for a while now about reforming education.  Whenever someone asks me what i want to do after graduate school my gut reaction is to say "Change the World."  Honestly, that IS what i want to do.  I want to explore new methods of higher education that marries traditional educational goals with alternative methods like outdoor education,  service-learning, and living-learning communities.  I would love to get rid of traditional classrooms.  i would love to abolish the school of thought that says the only valuable learning is that done is done though lecture and out of books.  What about the students that don't learn that way?!  Who ever said that is THE way to learn?  There is too much research identifying multiple intelligences (what kind of learner are you?) and learning styles to believe that the traditional lecture-based educational practices are still effective and practical.

I will change the world someday.....I not be able to un-do hundreds of years of American education, but i will leave my mark.

The Plan: part two

Last night when i got home from work i was talking to dylan, chatting about the day and started getting nervous about the appointment this morning.  She said, "i'm ordering thai food....come over."  Even though it is a bit of a trip up to her house, getting distracted for the evening sounded perfect.  I was right.  a big bowl of yellow curry, puppies, watching a baseball game and lounging with Dylan was the greatest way to zone out and focus on the good in life.  This morning, Dylan made me a massive cup of coffee, walked me to my car, kissed me on my forehead and promised that everything would be ok. "Even if it's not," she said, "at least you will know what's next."  (she's a keeper, right?!)

The drive down to Salem was smooth and quick.  I listened to my new favorite song (Count to Ten by Tina Dico) about 97 times.  I had my notebook with questions written out, a magazine for the waiting room, and i was wearing the comfiest clothes i could find.  I checked in, got all settled in the waiting room, and was so glad to only have to wait about five minutes before hearing my name.  When the doc came in i was glad to see that she was not in bubble-gum pink this time.  Today, it was head to toe baby blue with her name beautifully embroidered on her shirt pocket.  She sat down, looked at me quite sincerely and said with a tinge of shock in her voice, "well, you have a massive thing in you!"  I made a few jokes about it and then she asked me if i wanted to ever be pregnant.  I didn't think that i would cry, but hearing her ask that question made the possibility that it might not ever happen for me more real and i got a little choked up.  The doc quickly assured me that she had no reason to think i would lose any of my ability to be pregnant but that delivery might, depending on how things go, be a little more difficult, but not impossible. 

The plan, upon walking out of the office, is to get these suckers out of me.  The doc could not tell from the ultrasound images how the fibroids (mainly the big one) are attached to my uterus.  There are a few options.  The best possible situation would be that they are growing like a pumpkin with a stalk coming from my uterus and then growing into rounds.  If this is the case, the fibroids can be removed (most likely) laparoscopically giving me a recovery time of about one week!!  But, if they are growing like bubbles from a bubble wand, they will (most likely) need to be removed with some more invasive surgery including uterine reconstruction if necessary.  This option will leave me with a recovery time of about 6 weeks and i will be risking damage to my uterus and might lose the chance to be pregnant.

Right now, the next step is to get referred to a reproductive endocrinologist to discuss options and schedule surgery.  My doc is fairly positive that since this is not an emergency (thank goodness), i won't get in before 8 weeks from now.  Hopefully the ball-of-fun doesn't grow too much more and i can continue to manage the pain and discomfort until then.

The Results

Well, kids, it's not ovarian (or any kind) of cancer!!!  HOLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEER!

Here's the skinny.  The fibroid (the official name for the ball-of-fun) is massive and pulling, pushing, and stretching my insides.  My left ovary, the one i was worried about, is healthy; just feeling the effects of the ball-of-fun as it moves in and unpacks it's things.

I walked out of the appointment with the next steps of a plan and, as soon as i wrap my head around it all, will let y'all know.

In Limbo

I have been, since August 3, talking with doctor-friends and doing research as i try to wrap my head around the gravity of the situation.  Here is what i can surmise....my chances of being pregnant are quite diminished.  This part is the hardest pill to swallow.  I am scared about cancer, but i am more upset about the thought of never being pregnant.  I have, for as long as i can remember, ached to be a mother.  I have fantasized about being pregnant....i know that i was put on this Earth to mother.  That is about the only thing i know for certain.  I don't know what i want to be when i grow up.  I don't know where i will be a year from now.  but i do know that i will be a mom someday.

Last week I got a fabulous letter from my doctor updating me on the results on the ultrasounds.  I am pleased to say that the uterine masses are (officially) not cancerous!!  I must admit that the sentence, "we will talk about the rest" does have me slightly on worried.  And then, I got a call to reschedule my 30 minute appointment to a full hour.  but now, my doctor's appointment is now less than 24 hours away and I am in this wonderful state of limbo.  It could be good (just removal of the fibroids), or it could be bad (total hysterectomy &/or cancer treatment).  I have done so good at keeping cal.  There have been minor break downs here and there, but for the most part i have remained positive and strong and flexible.  I am simply hoping that all of this positive thinking will bring a big pay-off.

Keep your fingers crossed.  I'll have an update tomorrow!

The good

Although i have been writing about the hard things in life for the past month, there has been a lot of good.  One of the highlights is the new person i am dating.  For know, we will call her Dylan.

Living in Mo-town has made "getting out there" next to impossible.  I am horrible in a bar setting and suck at feeling confident enough to flirt when I feel like I am in a meat market.  I had quite a few friends meet great people through on-line dating sites (see this blog) and decided to give it a try.  After a few months of going through profiles and "meeting" women that never emailed back, Dylan came across my homepage and i was taken by her smile.  We emailed for a few weeks when i gave her my phone number and we started talking throughout the day.  Then we decided to put faces to names and we went for a late dinner in Portland in late July.  I was BEYOND nervous......my stomach was in knots, i couldn't concentrate, i was positive i was going to make an ass of myself.  She was charming, funny, uncensored, and easy to talk to.  When the check came i asked how we wanted to cover the tab.  She looked at me and said "How about i get this and you do next time."  She walked me to my car, gave me a hug goodbye, and we made plans to talk later in the week.

About a month later I am glad to report that things are still going well with Dylan.  I have met her dogs, friends, and mom.  We have spent weekends together.  She drives me crazy (in a fantastic way).  Both of us are quite wary about jumping in and doing the typical "lesbian thing"....no U-Hauling for these kids.  We are taking things slow....making sure that there is a foundation of friendship and respect before we get committed.  Last weekend I filled her in with all of the ball-of-fun stuff, had a mini-meltdown, and felt safe enough to let her witness the tears and worries come out.  Even though i was horribly embarrassed about crying in front of her, i was so glad that it didn't freak her out.  We have talked about hard things from our pasts, the baggage we bring, and what we want in our lives.  we've talked about gender, education, politics, family, society, entertainment, food.....it feels like everything.  she makes me laugh so hard that i have to pee, likes when i sing, lets me vent and process, and has very sincere eyes.

It is my hope that we will continue seeing each other that will keep our momentum as we move forward.  cross your fingers for positive updates!

my thoughts....exactly.

well, not the "life is crap" part.....but right now, i kinda feel like the canoe.

On a scale of 1 to 10

It is common practice for doctors and nurses to ask how bad it hurts.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance and will rarely let on that i am in pain.  For example, in June I went to brunch and to see RENT with my mother a friend.  My friend and i were going to car-pool from Mo-town to the cafe in Portland where we would meet my mom.  When i woke up that morning i was sick to my stomach.  I feel this way....mmm.....maybe once a month.  I hang out with the porcelain goddess for a hot minute, get it out of my system, and walk it off.  After that, i'm able to act like a normal human being.  For some reason, that morning was different.  I got in the car with my friend and still didnt feel right but was determined to get to breakfast (we were going to the Arleta Library Cafe after we saw a great feature on the Food Network) and see RENT.  Long story short....I had to stop a few times due to a really upset stomach and shortly after our breakfast arrived at our table, I left my mom and friend to go take a quick nap in the back seat of my mom's car.  We made it to the show and even though i felt a little like death, I had a great time (5th time seeing the show and we had AWESOME seats).  I went back to my mom's house rather than hoofing it back to Mo-town that night and took one of the best naps i have ever had. When i woke up i still had a temperature of 103.  By the end of the day, my friend was shocked at how un-phased i looked.  I think she was expecting me to whine or complain.  But that's not how i roll.  I know that i had every option to stay home and sleep it off, but we had plans...the end.

It was this instance that made me realize how much i do NOT take care of myself.  Actually, it made me realize how much i hate being taken care of or vulerable or weak.  I know that if i am sick being taken care of will be more than a little difficult for me.  I am so used to putting on a brave face and dealing with "it." 

Yesterday i was having the worst cramps of my life.  I get pretty bad cramps every month (even though i generally don't have a period); i would say between a 7.5 and 8.5 on the pain scale.  I take a few advil and continue the daily business.  Yesterday was different.  These were the normal monthly cramps but with a twist.  It felt like there was an alien trying to cut itself out of my body.  I wanted to trow up, scream, and pass out all in the same breath.  My mom and I went to see Julie & Julia at the local theatre and all the way through i was hurting.  I had to do some breathing exercises to help calm myself down and bring in some positive energy.  On our way home i was pinching my self to try and distract myself.  Finally, i couldn't deal with it anymore....i started crying.  The pain was definately at a 9.5 or 10.  There is no exaggeration....it was the worst pain i have EVER been in.  My mom, shocked i think, just kept driving and let me have a moment.

"Don't worry, Honey," she said.  "It will get taken care of soon."

I was driving back to Mo-town and thought about why i was suddenly in such a different pain.  I have a few thoughts.  First, the 4.5 ball-of-fun is starting to attack my insides and my body is fighting back.  I was imagining a war inside my uterus with my organs and other insides turning into cartoon characters with really great accents.  I imagined the ball-of-fun sporting a 1980's hair-do, german accent, and cigarette saying things like "i like eet ere....i zink i vill mofe in."  My uterus is transformed into Chris Rock and is screaming at the ball-of-fun; "Bitch, this apartment is NOT for rent.  Does it look like i need roommates?  i sure as fuck don't.  now...get the hellllll outta here."  My ovaries are just sitting up there, stoned, trying to make intelligable contributions to the conversation.  Instead, they are just giggling and making plans to walk to Taco Bell for a grande soft taco, nachos, dr. pepper, and 87 order of cinna-twists.  My second thought is that the new medications are intensifying the pain this month.  My hope is that this won't be every month because i refuse to turn into a stereotypical 1950's teenager with a note to get out of gym class.  (FYI body, I am in charge of you....not the other way around.)  My third thought is that the stress of the past month is finally catching up with me and my emotions are officially manifesting themselfs as physical pain.  My fourth, final, and most drastic thought is that something's going wrong.  I think i like option one the best.  It's at least the most entertaining.

Your Team!!!

a co-worker found this video and it has been one of the greatest stress-relievers at work.  In fact, for those of you that know the game "Your Team" I have adopted a team name from this video.  I am officially manager of Team Handerpants.

Watch.
Laugh.
Cry a little if you need to.

Wedding Bells!!

Wedding bells seem to be following me.  These bells are not for me (cause it's not legal), but for some of my dearest friends.

Kristen is one of my college buds, a member of the framily (you know,friends that turn into your family).  She sent me a text message last night with a picture of a beautiful ring on her hand with the words "I'm engaged!!!"  I am so excited for her party and for her marriage.  Moose is a great man and will be a great husband and partner for her.

Sarah is truly my other half.  She is getting married on New Year's in Phoenix.  I tried on the dress that I am wearing to her party this morning and i noticed how wonderful it twirls.  For Sarah, a dress is only worthy of wear if it twirls right.  Sarah lets me bring out my really really girly side and i love that about her.  Chris, her fiance (pronounced in "Sarah" as f-eye-awnce), is funny, serious, driven, supportive, and truly keeps Sarah grounded.

Jennie, another college bud, married the man of her dreams this past May.  From them moment we met Jason, we (the framily) knew that Jason was Jennie's match.  Her wedding was in Missoula and brought the framily together from all over the country....a weekend needed indeed!

Jenny (AKA Barney), a friend from high school, got married to a wonderful man earlier this year.  Rick is pretty much a male-version of Barney and it is a riot to watch them together.  They laugh like it's their job, love their children fiercely, and truly honor and respect each other.  They are going to be great role models for their babies and i know they will build a strong family.  

Basically, i am so happy from my friends and can not wait to watch your lives as couples unfold.

The Plan: part one

On August 3, I went in for two ultrasounds (one internal and one external) to examine whatever my doc was feeling a few days earlier.  I was nervous about this appointment....partially for what i might see on the screen or the reaction of the technician.  But mostly, i was nervous about peeing.  I had to drink 32 ounces of water in the hour and a half before my appointment and i couldn't use the restroom for two full hours before the appointment!!!  I pee A LOT.....prolly every 30-45 minutes!  2 hours felt like punishment.

By the time i got to the hospital i thought i was going to pee my pants.  My appointment was at 4:00.  I wasn't called in until 4:10.  I was ushered to a changing room and changed into a very chic hospital gown.  I was waiting there for such a long time that i started taking pictures with my phone of my best "model pose" and sending them to some of my friends to critique....i was trying to smile with my eyes.  Finally (!) at 4:25, I was called back to the exam room where I met Alex, the technician, and he did the external ultrasound.  Before we started I looked at Alex and said, in an attempt to be funny (cause i was nervous and that's what i do), "I know you can't say anything, but i need you to tell me if you see a baby in there.  Cause if you see a baby.....we have bigger problems."
"Why?  Are you on birth control"
"Well.....gay.  Thus, my dilemma."

He laughed and started the external ultrasound.  This is the part where i had to really concentrate on NOT peeing...he had to press quite hard to get a good picture of my insides and i thought i was going to lose it!!!  About three minutes into the external ultrasound, Alex asked if I was there to get images of my bicornuate uterus.  I told him that i was there to get a picture of what was in there...my doctor and I were unsure.  SURPRISE! Not only did i not know i had a bicornuate uterus - i didnt even know what that meant!  I radded that to the mental list of things to look up when i got home.  Alex was finished with the external ultrasound in about ten minutes and as soon as he finished, I jumped out of the bed and ran to the nearest restroom.  I was so relieved!

For the internal ultrasound a woman named Sharon joined us....to make sure Alex was kosher... and we started the test.  I did the best i could to make sense of the images on the monitor above my head.  I asked Alex questions about what he was doing and he answered the best he could.  I watched the screen as measurements were taken (110 mm....i need to remember that), he examined my ovaries and took sound images (the left one didn't have a "heart beat".....write that down, sarah), he labeled the masses (three total).  I remembered the advice i got before my MRI in February: don't pay too much attention.....let the doctor interpret the data; but really didn't give it much heed.

After the tests were done, I took my time dressing and took a leisurely drive down to Corvallis for dinner with some friends.  I had one of them convert those 110mm into inches...about 4.5.  I vented. I listened to their stories about life. We had a good dinner and I made myself focus on the moment.  I knew that my thoughts would be consumed with all of this news in the weeks leading up to my follow-up on the 25th so i wanted to focus on being with good company.  The women i was with that night encouraged me to laugh and let me be real about the whole situation.  I was nervous and scared. we sat in silence for a moment as someone tried to think of a way to lighten the mood after the gravity of the situation set in.  I have three masses in my uterus....the largest is 4.5".

The doc's words were ringing in my ears: "if it is between 4 and 5 inches we are going to get aggressive."