Getting Back on Track

Tuesdays are my weigh-in days for Weight Watchers.  I have been doing well.  30+ pounds so far and my goal is getting closer.  Lately, however, with the stress of training, the ball-of-fun, starting a relationship, and getting back into the swing of school I have let my progress and success take a back seat.  Over the past month i have let my circumstances take control. 

At today's meeting i felt the effect of that more than i have in quite a while.  I honestly don't know what happened, but I know that i gained.  I know exactly WHY i gained, too.  My love affair with carbs matched with a lot of apathy, a lot of sitting, and a lot of excuses have helped me reverse all of the work that i had been doing. 

Tonight......I ate a blizzard as i was watching The Biggest Loser.  It used to be funny.  It used to be a joke to my friends and I to fuel our "inner fat kids" while we watched other fat kids battle their fat.  We let their success be good enough for us.  The minute i started weight watchers, though, i made a promise that i would not let my circumstances take over....i would never again make excuses.  But i have been.  Since i got told that I was had this giant thing inside my body, i have been finding a lot of reasons why i should not follow the plan. 

I'm not sure what i need to do, but somehow, i need to get my ass back in gear and back on plan.  I want to fit into my dress for Sarah's wedding.  I want to fit into the skinny jeans.  I want to feel confident in my skin.  Hell, I want to feel confident naked!  I want to believe it when Dylan tells me i'm sexy (cause i sure as hell don't right now).  I know that all of these things are based in physical appearance....but i have NEVER experienced these things.  This journey is not about getting back to somewhere i was....this is about getting somewhere i have never been.  I don't know if i have even thought that it was possible.  I have always known and believed that i would be fat my whole life long.  I am at the point where losing is great.....but losing is scary.  I don't know what it's like to be thin.  I don't know what it's like to be confident.  I don't know what it's like to be truly comfortable in my skin; truly comfortable in front of a group of people; truly comfortable letting a partner see me exposed.  I am scared that i will get to my goal weight and not be satisfied with what is left.  for me, that's the scariest part......what if, even thin, i'm not enough.  I tell the young women and men i work with that no matter what anyone tells them: they are enough.  I need to take (and LISTEN) to my own words.  but....FUCK......it's hard.

Tonight on the premiere of The Biggest Loser, Jillian (the woman that inspires me, kicks my ass through DVD work outs, has her voice burned in my head), helped kick my mental self back in gear.   Here are some of the Jillian-isms that resonated tonight:

"It's a choice.  Make a different Choice. If you don't then no one can help you."

"What I will not tolerate is working below your potential."