Whoops.

I have realized that I am....shockingly...behind.  I should be further along in my portfolio.  hell...i should have started my portfolio.  FML.

Lessons Learned from the Year of Yes

As the culminating experience for this year's RA training, the Professional Staff decided a ropes course was in order.  One of the staples of RA training is usually "Camp."  This year, with the university facing the budget reality that the majority of colleges and universities are also dealing with, we needed cut costs where ever we could.  One of the hard decisions was if we should still go on retreat.  Professional Staff decided that with the budget reality, the calendar, and the feedback we had been given, we could create a memorable and educational experience without camp.  Instead, we did an all-day ropes course experience.  Last time I was on a ropes course I chickened out.  I was not allowing myself to do that this time.

We started the day on the low elements and i must say....we kicked ass!!  The very first thing we did was a circuit of low elements where the team was broken into two groups and the groups had to start at the same tree, travel in opposite directions, pass each other, and meet back at the same tree.  it was, by far, the most physically challenging part of the day.  at one point, i was climbing a spider web.  We had to go from left to right without touching the wire...we could touch rope...not wire.  as i stepped onto the web, i got really tired.  I found myself thinking about giving up.  I thought about saying that i couldn't do it. i thought about falling off.  but i didnt.  I dont know what happened but all of a sudden, i was off the web and onto the next element.

I remember thinking that this was not the hardest thing i would deal with this year.  I still had the giant swing, the zip line, and major surgery to get out of the way before i could tackle my portfolio and graduation.

After lunch it was on to the high elements.  my group of 13 people got through 5 elements in 3 hours!!  I was impressed!!!  Since we were the largest group of the afternoon, we got to go on the zip line first At the same time that we were doing the zip line, we were doing an element where you climb a freestanding pole, stand on top, jump off and hit a giant ball on the way down.  To that, i said.....yeah right.  i refused to come off any element by billet....i wanted to reserve my nerves for the zip line.  When it was my turn, i climbed up the giant tree without any major problems.  The woman at the top of the tree said my eyes were very intense (she found me later in the day and told me she loved my eyes...."they burned an impression on her soul").  I got the top, got hooked into the zip line and was TERRIFIED.  It was in that moment that i solidified i am not afraid of heights.  rather, i am afraid of falling.  I looked at the woman who was ready for me to go whenever i was ready.  I think i teared up a little because i was so scared.  but then i told myself that there is only one way down and jumped.  i thought that i was screaming "Oh SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT" in my head.  Nope, i was totally screaming out loud.  I got back up to the hill where my team was laughing super hard and informed me that i was screaming out loud.  We all laughed wicked hard about the whole thing as we watched Russell go up the pole and jump off BLINDFOLDED!  I did two more elements (the flying squirrel and the giant swing) and walked away very proud of myself.  More than proud, i walked away confident.  I felt confident in what i have....how i operate....and what i bring to the table.

On the ride home we got into a conversation about the last time that we brought people to a ropes course.  Zack, a 3rd year RA who was on my team that year, and I started talking about how i chickened out last time.

"What happened there, Boss?" he asked.

"I dont know.  I think i am just stronger." I answered him solemnly with a real understanding that I had changed since then.

I thought about that statement a lot as we drove home.  I am so much stronger in a lot of ways.  Since last time (Fall 2007), i have become physically stronger and more fit (true....there is still a long way to go, but I am miles from where i was).  More than the physical difference, I know that the last time i was faced with high ropes elements, I did not have the confidence in myself to even try.  I was still so damaged and broken from that break up (sorry, kb).  When i moved back to Oregon i was hungry for my fresh start but when i was given the opportunity to literally jump into a new beginning i got scared and backed out....i wasn't willing to invest in me.  Two years later though, i quiet the little voice in my head that tells me i can't do it before she has a chance to start.  Two years later, i push fear and doubt out of my soul before they have a chance to get there.  Two years later, I am proactive, reflective, and thankful.  Two years later, i am hopeful, optimistic, and sure.  Two years later, i know who I am.

With the Year of Yes has come a lot of chance for me to understand my strength and skills.  I have learned that even though it might hurt like hell to do 10 more reps, it will hurt more to give up.  I have learned that even though i might be scared to have hard conversations and ask hard questions, i will be more scared not knowing the answers.  I have learned that I am stronger than I look, smarter than I give my self credit for, and braver than i thought i was.

I have to be honest.....I am little terrified to start RA training on Monday.  This year I got really attached to summer and the freedom that comes with the absence of college students everywhere i turn.  I think I am less-ready for this year because i know that there are a lot of decisions to make this year....there is a lot of work to be done....there is a lot riding on 2009-2010. 

I have to graduate.  I have to put together a portfolio that I am proud of.  I have to put together a portfolio that my committee will approve of.  I have to get through three internships and 6 more classes (all while working full-time and trying to heal from massive surgery).  Last year I felt in over my head with Theory I, Legal Issues, and Theory II.  Those classes were the most academically demanding and made my brain hurt.....all the time.  But this year....there is an end in sight and I am terrified of it.  I am scared that I will drop the ball in the 11th hour.  

I have to decide if I am staying at WOU for a 4th year.  We are building a new Res Hall and I really want it......but....i really don't know how I will do in Monmouth for a 4th year.  I don't know if I can.  I miss the city.  I miss the options.  I miss being close to my friends.  I miss being close to my family.  BUT....I love my job, i love the people i work for, i love the opportunities i have at WOU, i love the trust that i have from my supervisors, i love that i am encouraged to try new things.  I was looking forward to having a year to do my job without school looming in my background.  I was NOT looking forward to doing a job search while i wrote a portfolio and did RA selection.  This is going to be a hard decision.

Which was is a girl to look?

Leaving my Mark

Today i went to the OSU challenge course to participate in my first training and get some hours in for my internship.  It was great!  I got to participate in the activities and thought of many ways to incorporate new activities into fall training.  The other people at the training have been working at the challenge course longer than me (obviously).  Some of them have made the gig with the challenge course part of their livelihood and supplement their income by facilitating ropes courses and teambuilding events.  It was wonderful to learn modifications, tricks, and good one-liners from them.  There were also people there who are newer members of the challenge course team.  I felt like even though i didn't go through the training that they went through in June, I was on-par with them.

I relied a lot on my knowledge of student development theory to frame questions and bring perspective and insight about the group we were preparing for.  I felt like i had a bit of a leg up on thanks to my job and my grad program.  I felt a bit like a broken record, but it was nice to be looked to for answers.  It was one of the first moments that I owned my "expertise."  In many respects i still feel a little new and often doubt my experience.  I'm not quite sure when that feeling will subside and when i will confident enough.  I'm also not quite sure why i don't feel confident now.  I am going into my fourth year as a student affairs professional, I have a wide range of experiences from various institutions, I have nearly completed my degree, I have participated and presented at national conferences, I have.....no reason to doubt myself.  yet, here i am....wondering when i am going to be "enough."

The nice thing about being at the challenge course today was that I could really see myself using this Internship to frame the rest of my career in higher ed.  I have dreamed for a while now about reforming education.  Whenever someone asks me what i want to do after graduate school my gut reaction is to say "Change the World."  Honestly, that IS what i want to do.  I want to explore new methods of higher education that marries traditional educational goals with alternative methods like outdoor education,  service-learning, and living-learning communities.  I would love to get rid of traditional classrooms.  i would love to abolish the school of thought that says the only valuable learning is that done is done though lecture and out of books.  What about the students that don't learn that way?!  Who ever said that is THE way to learn?  There is too much research identifying multiple intelligences (what kind of learner are you?) and learning styles to believe that the traditional lecture-based educational practices are still effective and practical.

I will change the world someday.....I not be able to un-do hundreds of years of American education, but i will leave my mark.