Lessons Learned from the Year of Yes

As the culminating experience for this year's RA training, the Professional Staff decided a ropes course was in order.  One of the staples of RA training is usually "Camp."  This year, with the university facing the budget reality that the majority of colleges and universities are also dealing with, we needed cut costs where ever we could.  One of the hard decisions was if we should still go on retreat.  Professional Staff decided that with the budget reality, the calendar, and the feedback we had been given, we could create a memorable and educational experience without camp.  Instead, we did an all-day ropes course experience.  Last time I was on a ropes course I chickened out.  I was not allowing myself to do that this time.

We started the day on the low elements and i must say....we kicked ass!!  The very first thing we did was a circuit of low elements where the team was broken into two groups and the groups had to start at the same tree, travel in opposite directions, pass each other, and meet back at the same tree.  it was, by far, the most physically challenging part of the day.  at one point, i was climbing a spider web.  We had to go from left to right without touching the wire...we could touch rope...not wire.  as i stepped onto the web, i got really tired.  I found myself thinking about giving up.  I thought about saying that i couldn't do it. i thought about falling off.  but i didnt.  I dont know what happened but all of a sudden, i was off the web and onto the next element.

I remember thinking that this was not the hardest thing i would deal with this year.  I still had the giant swing, the zip line, and major surgery to get out of the way before i could tackle my portfolio and graduation.

After lunch it was on to the high elements.  my group of 13 people got through 5 elements in 3 hours!!  I was impressed!!!  Since we were the largest group of the afternoon, we got to go on the zip line first At the same time that we were doing the zip line, we were doing an element where you climb a freestanding pole, stand on top, jump off and hit a giant ball on the way down.  To that, i said.....yeah right.  i refused to come off any element by billet....i wanted to reserve my nerves for the zip line.  When it was my turn, i climbed up the giant tree without any major problems.  The woman at the top of the tree said my eyes were very intense (she found me later in the day and told me she loved my eyes...."they burned an impression on her soul").  I got the top, got hooked into the zip line and was TERRIFIED.  It was in that moment that i solidified i am not afraid of heights.  rather, i am afraid of falling.  I looked at the woman who was ready for me to go whenever i was ready.  I think i teared up a little because i was so scared.  but then i told myself that there is only one way down and jumped.  i thought that i was screaming "Oh SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT" in my head.  Nope, i was totally screaming out loud.  I got back up to the hill where my team was laughing super hard and informed me that i was screaming out loud.  We all laughed wicked hard about the whole thing as we watched Russell go up the pole and jump off BLINDFOLDED!  I did two more elements (the flying squirrel and the giant swing) and walked away very proud of myself.  More than proud, i walked away confident.  I felt confident in what i have....how i operate....and what i bring to the table.

On the ride home we got into a conversation about the last time that we brought people to a ropes course.  Zack, a 3rd year RA who was on my team that year, and I started talking about how i chickened out last time.

"What happened there, Boss?" he asked.

"I dont know.  I think i am just stronger." I answered him solemnly with a real understanding that I had changed since then.

I thought about that statement a lot as we drove home.  I am so much stronger in a lot of ways.  Since last time (Fall 2007), i have become physically stronger and more fit (true....there is still a long way to go, but I am miles from where i was).  More than the physical difference, I know that the last time i was faced with high ropes elements, I did not have the confidence in myself to even try.  I was still so damaged and broken from that break up (sorry, kb).  When i moved back to Oregon i was hungry for my fresh start but when i was given the opportunity to literally jump into a new beginning i got scared and backed out....i wasn't willing to invest in me.  Two years later though, i quiet the little voice in my head that tells me i can't do it before she has a chance to start.  Two years later, i push fear and doubt out of my soul before they have a chance to get there.  Two years later, I am proactive, reflective, and thankful.  Two years later, i am hopeful, optimistic, and sure.  Two years later, i know who I am.

With the Year of Yes has come a lot of chance for me to understand my strength and skills.  I have learned that even though it might hurt like hell to do 10 more reps, it will hurt more to give up.  I have learned that even though i might be scared to have hard conversations and ask hard questions, i will be more scared not knowing the answers.  I have learned that I am stronger than I look, smarter than I give my self credit for, and braver than i thought i was.