The Tyra Update

I have been Tyra free for over two months now. 

YAAAAAAAAAAY!

My favorite part: sleeping through the night without having to use the bathroom 9000 times (ok, that's  bit of an over exaggeration, but it was annoying). 

Thanks for all of your support, care packages, well-wishes, cards, conversations, help in passing the time, and love. 

The Recovery: from home

I am officially back in my own apartment!!  My post-op appointment was on Monday morning in Salem.  Bad-Ass Barbie was wonderfully happy with the outcome, my recovery, and the progress on my incision.

Tyra was just under 5" inches in diameter and a heavy little bugger!  Contrary to popular belief, she was NOT imbedded in the lining of my uterus.  Rather, she was hanging from a substantial blood supply off the front side of my uterus.  She was so big that she was hiding my uterus.  If you will remember from one of my earlier posts, Bad-Ass Barbie commented on the size of my uterus.  She did the same this appointment-but it was the opposite reaction.  Opening my up she saw that my uterus is not large like first thought...instead it's actually pretty small.

I was very lucky...the surgery that was scheduled to take about 2 1/2 hours and would leave me on the couch for weeks lasted under an hour and I was up and moving within a week.  Bad-Ass Barbie was sure that the surgery would include a lot of work to reconstruct my uterus and might leave me unable to be pregnant.  I was prepared to wake up without my reproductive system.  I was prepared to adopt all of my children.  I was prepared to find a counselor to help me deal with the potential grief i would feel when i had to give-up my dream of being pregnant and feeling my child move and grow inside me.  I got really lucky....i got to walk out of the hospital with all of my organs and dreams in tact.

At my post-op appointment, Bad-Ass Barbie signed off on my work release and set the officially set the Sarah-can-TOTALLY-go-back-to-life-date for December 1!!  Right now, i am allowed to drive and go back to school....starting December 1, I can go back to work and get back to working out.  I have been so anxious to start running again, to get back to Jillian Michaels' DVDs, and to get back on track with the weight loss journey.  I have been SO frustrated that I have been complacent and blaming Tyra for the back and forth, the up and down.  I am looking forward to get back to it.

Post-Op!

The appointment is on Monday at 9:45 am.

The healing is going really well...the tape is off, I am getting stronger, feeling better, and getting really antsy.  I have been able to take the dog on walks without wanting to pass out, do light household chores, and stay awake through the day.  There is still a weird, numb sensation around the incision and it is itching like crazy!  My doctor friend says that is a good thing, though!  I never had to take the Oxy Codone for pain (thank jeebus), as I was able to manage on the UberProphen they gave me (800mg).  My body is working hard at getting back to normal and i can tell that i am almost there!

Thanks for all of your good vibes, and support.  I have loved talking with you, reading your notes, and getting your packages...they make my days!

As Simon & Garfunkle would say.....

I'm Homeward Bound!!  I just spoke with the doctor on call.  he checked me out and all is clear. 

Last night, after i took a little walk with Kristen my right arm and ribcage started feeling really sore.  When i took deep breaths in i get a sharp pain in my side and my arm is really heavy...like it is made of lead.  My nurses have been great helping me manage my pain and after listening to my lungs and feeling around, everyone, including the on-call doctor, is feeling good that my ribs are all in tact and that the soreness is from being moved and having my arm extended and secured during surgery. 

I had a lot of visitors last night!  Kristen was the first one to stop by.  She brought me some snickers and a Diet Dr Pepper....after i was wonderfully pathetic via text message.  It was so nice to have one of my besties to keep me company.  I was passed out when she got here so she sat patiently and waited for me to wake up.  As Kristen was here, Laura stopped by and we had a good conversation....we chatted about our experiences living Alliance (Kristen lived there with me our freshmen year and Laura lived there for her sophomore year...in Kristen's old room!). 

After a little bit, Laura left and my dad and step mom stopped by.....with a pound of red swedish fish!!  AWSOME!!  Kristen got to meet them and chat a little before she made her way back up North.  After Kristen left, we watched the Yankees win the world series and chatted about the surgery, the non-complications, and the recovery period.  It was really great to see them.  While they were here, I spiked a slight fever.  It took a while for it to break and go down so that got me a little freaked out, but it finally did.

Later on, Dave and Nicole came by....with an OSU snuggie!!!  It was wonderful to see them and to have a good laugh.....i hadn't had one in a while and it was so refreshing.  I can't wait to start sporting the Snggie....it will be epic.

Tyra has left the building!!

Great news friends! 

The fibroid is out and that is the only thing to be gone from my body.  My bladder and uterus are fine, surgery was nice and quick (about an hour), i am eating and drinking just fine, and the nausea is mostly non-existent.  Bad Ass Barbie is pretty hopefully that the healing will be easy and that i won't have complications during pregnancy and birth as a result of this surgery. :D

Before surgery, Bad Ass Barbie came into the pre-op room while I was using the restroom.  She was wearing a University of Oregon cap!  I guess my mom gave her some crap about it and told her that i would do the same.  Sure enough, i came back into the room, holding my IV bags in one hand and making sure my gown was together with the other, and said "Doc...i feel slightly betrayed."  We had a good laugh about it...and then she changed her cap. ;)

I just talked to the doctor on call.  He checked the surgery site, took off the dressing, stopped my morphine drip, starting some oral pain killers, and cleared me for discharge tomorrow around noon.  I am so excited to take a shower, sleep without nurses walking in and out, and eat food i want without having to order from a menu.

I am super lucky, though...my nurses have been great and I even managed to take pictures with finger mustaches!  (i'll post them when i get outta here).  Last night, one of my nurses, Olga, was taking me for a walk in the middle of SYTYCD and she got so enthralled!  it was precious.   I am so glad that we have wireless internet in the rooms so i can chat with friends, facebook, and update this sucker! There is only one awkward thing....there is a mentally unstable woman at the end of the hall who, every now and then, growls like a lion.  I have gotten used to it, however, and i am not longer startled when i wake up hearing that.

Thanks for all of your support during this whole ordeal.  I could tell that i had a community of people from around the country that were sending me love, good vibes, and positive energy my way yesterday and it was so comforting.

post-tyra!!

The Plan: part five (edited)

I was looking over the paperwork I was sent by my doctor last night.  Up at the top the woman who sent it all to me wrote in reminders about my pre-op appointment and surgical appointment.

Pre-Op: 10/28.
Check.

Surgery: 11/3.
WHAT!?

I had 11/11 written down.  I asked the woman I was on the phone with about five different ways to verify that we were scheduling for November 11 at 230 pm.  I planned to be gone from work and school starting the week of November 11.  My staff was prepared, my duty was covered, and my support team was in place for November 11.  SHIT.....November 3 throws more than a few kinks in the pipe.

I called Salem Hospital the next morning and chatted with a woman in Surgical Scheduling and she verified that, yup...I was on the book for Tuesday, November 3.  "I'm not sure why they told you a Wednesday. Kaiser doesn't do surgery here on Wednesdays......."  There was a horribly awkward silence and I came to understanding that I would need to be changing the plans.

so........in the morning..........i changed the plans.  Tyra Banks will be gone 8 days sooner.

A Baby Shower

I walked out of my class tonight with some friends and we started talking about the ball-of-fun and surgery.  We decided that I should have a baby shower since I am essentially having a C-Section...just minus the baby.

I think it's a great idea!!  We can play baby games, drink beer out of bottles, I can get presents, and eat cake.  I decided that it is definitely a girl.  I was brainstorming names with my car-pool buddy and decided that the ball-of-fun shall be hence forth referred to as Tyra Banks.  Why, you ask.  Well, Tyra, like the ball-of-fun, is annoying.  Similarly, they are both fierce.  I have a feeling the ball-of-fun can smile with her eyes and that she turns every conversation with my organs into a conversation about her....she is self-absorbed like that.

The Plan: part five

I got a call from surgical scheduling this morning....I am on the calendar for 11 November 2009 at 2:30 pm and I have a pre-op appointment on Oct 28.

I thought that i would be relieved to finally be on the books...but i'm not.  I'm more freaked out now.

The Plan: part four

I got an email from Bad-Ass Barbie this week. 

She doesn't have privileges at St. Vincent's or Sunnyside so it looks like i have (had) a decision to make.  Either I do surgery at Salem Hospital and deal with car-sickness whilst on pain meds to travel up to my mom's once i'm released from the hospital or Bad-Ass Barbie refers me to a doc up North. 

I chose to keep Bad-Ass Barbie and deal with the drive.

The Plan: part three

Well, cats and kittens, I have news.  It involves a lot of crossed fingers.

I was beginning to get frustrated with Bad-Ass Barbie.  She told me at my last appointment that she would be doing some research about surgical options, reproductive endocrinologists, and further tests that would be needed.  On my end I was asked to look at my schedule for the rest of 2009 and give her a time line of when i could be out.  She told me that she would get to be no later than a week out (Wednesday).  Well, Wednesday came and went.  Nothing.  I sent her the email from my end during lunch.  On my heath care's website i can see if my email messages have been read.  As of 3:00 yesterday afternoon, she had still not read my email and I had no message.  grrrr.

This morning, however, i had a notice in my email letting me know that i has a message waiting for me.  I was nervous....ready for the news...but nervous.

"Studies show better success with open procedures than laporoscopic. We will make a bikini incision and go in and remove the fibroid. I have done this type of surgery quite successfully before and look forward to getting this taken care of for you. Expect 1-2 days in the hospital, followed by 2 weeks no driving (6 weeks complete recovery). We might get you back into classes at 2-3 weeks post op but no heavy activity for 6 weeks."

OK.....lets go.  There are still a lot of logistics to figure out, though.  Can the surgery be done in the Portland area so I'm closer to my mom's house?  How the hell am I going to basically sit still for 2 weeks?!  (NO DRIVING.......ugh.)  What about work?  Who will supervise my staff, cover duty, hear my conduct meetings?  What about school?  Will my professors let me miss that many classes?  How many will i actually have to miss?

Hopefully this will be a simple procedure and nothing will be wonky.  I have been having dreams that they go to take the bag-of-fun out and find that they have to take everything out.  I know that those are just my fears talking and creeping into my brain, but it is still scary to think about.  Cross your fingers for smooth sailing!

Hopefully i will get scheduled for early November.  Before that i would have to give up my Ani DiFranco tickets (yeah right).  Much later than that and I risk not being well for Sarah's wedding (yeah right).  Cross your fingers for an appointment in Portland during the first week of November!

I will gladly be accepting visitors (and cookies).

I decided that i am going to get a "commemorative tattoo" once i am all healed....along with the visitors and cookies, any suggestions for tattoos are welcome.

The Plan: part two

Last night when i got home from work i was talking to dylan, chatting about the day and started getting nervous about the appointment this morning.  She said, "i'm ordering thai food....come over."  Even though it is a bit of a trip up to her house, getting distracted for the evening sounded perfect.  I was right.  a big bowl of yellow curry, puppies, watching a baseball game and lounging with Dylan was the greatest way to zone out and focus on the good in life.  This morning, Dylan made me a massive cup of coffee, walked me to my car, kissed me on my forehead and promised that everything would be ok. "Even if it's not," she said, "at least you will know what's next."  (she's a keeper, right?!)

The drive down to Salem was smooth and quick.  I listened to my new favorite song (Count to Ten by Tina Dico) about 97 times.  I had my notebook with questions written out, a magazine for the waiting room, and i was wearing the comfiest clothes i could find.  I checked in, got all settled in the waiting room, and was so glad to only have to wait about five minutes before hearing my name.  When the doc came in i was glad to see that she was not in bubble-gum pink this time.  Today, it was head to toe baby blue with her name beautifully embroidered on her shirt pocket.  She sat down, looked at me quite sincerely and said with a tinge of shock in her voice, "well, you have a massive thing in you!"  I made a few jokes about it and then she asked me if i wanted to ever be pregnant.  I didn't think that i would cry, but hearing her ask that question made the possibility that it might not ever happen for me more real and i got a little choked up.  The doc quickly assured me that she had no reason to think i would lose any of my ability to be pregnant but that delivery might, depending on how things go, be a little more difficult, but not impossible. 

The plan, upon walking out of the office, is to get these suckers out of me.  The doc could not tell from the ultrasound images how the fibroids (mainly the big one) are attached to my uterus.  There are a few options.  The best possible situation would be that they are growing like a pumpkin with a stalk coming from my uterus and then growing into rounds.  If this is the case, the fibroids can be removed (most likely) laparoscopically giving me a recovery time of about one week!!  But, if they are growing like bubbles from a bubble wand, they will (most likely) need to be removed with some more invasive surgery including uterine reconstruction if necessary.  This option will leave me with a recovery time of about 6 weeks and i will be risking damage to my uterus and might lose the chance to be pregnant.

Right now, the next step is to get referred to a reproductive endocrinologist to discuss options and schedule surgery.  My doc is fairly positive that since this is not an emergency (thank goodness), i won't get in before 8 weeks from now.  Hopefully the ball-of-fun doesn't grow too much more and i can continue to manage the pain and discomfort until then.

The Results

Well, kids, it's not ovarian (or any kind) of cancer!!!  HOLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEER!

Here's the skinny.  The fibroid (the official name for the ball-of-fun) is massive and pulling, pushing, and stretching my insides.  My left ovary, the one i was worried about, is healthy; just feeling the effects of the ball-of-fun as it moves in and unpacks it's things.

I walked out of the appointment with the next steps of a plan and, as soon as i wrap my head around it all, will let y'all know.

In Limbo

I have been, since August 3, talking with doctor-friends and doing research as i try to wrap my head around the gravity of the situation.  Here is what i can surmise....my chances of being pregnant are quite diminished.  This part is the hardest pill to swallow.  I am scared about cancer, but i am more upset about the thought of never being pregnant.  I have, for as long as i can remember, ached to be a mother.  I have fantasized about being pregnant....i know that i was put on this Earth to mother.  That is about the only thing i know for certain.  I don't know what i want to be when i grow up.  I don't know where i will be a year from now.  but i do know that i will be a mom someday.

Last week I got a fabulous letter from my doctor updating me on the results on the ultrasounds.  I am pleased to say that the uterine masses are (officially) not cancerous!!  I must admit that the sentence, "we will talk about the rest" does have me slightly on worried.  And then, I got a call to reschedule my 30 minute appointment to a full hour.  but now, my doctor's appointment is now less than 24 hours away and I am in this wonderful state of limbo.  It could be good (just removal of the fibroids), or it could be bad (total hysterectomy &/or cancer treatment).  I have done so good at keeping cal.  There have been minor break downs here and there, but for the most part i have remained positive and strong and flexible.  I am simply hoping that all of this positive thinking will bring a big pay-off.

Keep your fingers crossed.  I'll have an update tomorrow!

The Plan: part one

On August 3, I went in for two ultrasounds (one internal and one external) to examine whatever my doc was feeling a few days earlier.  I was nervous about this appointment....partially for what i might see on the screen or the reaction of the technician.  But mostly, i was nervous about peeing.  I had to drink 32 ounces of water in the hour and a half before my appointment and i couldn't use the restroom for two full hours before the appointment!!!  I pee A LOT.....prolly every 30-45 minutes!  2 hours felt like punishment.

By the time i got to the hospital i thought i was going to pee my pants.  My appointment was at 4:00.  I wasn't called in until 4:10.  I was ushered to a changing room and changed into a very chic hospital gown.  I was waiting there for such a long time that i started taking pictures with my phone of my best "model pose" and sending them to some of my friends to critique....i was trying to smile with my eyes.  Finally (!) at 4:25, I was called back to the exam room where I met Alex, the technician, and he did the external ultrasound.  Before we started I looked at Alex and said, in an attempt to be funny (cause i was nervous and that's what i do), "I know you can't say anything, but i need you to tell me if you see a baby in there.  Cause if you see a baby.....we have bigger problems."
"Why?  Are you on birth control"
"Well.....gay.  Thus, my dilemma."

He laughed and started the external ultrasound.  This is the part where i had to really concentrate on NOT peeing...he had to press quite hard to get a good picture of my insides and i thought i was going to lose it!!!  About three minutes into the external ultrasound, Alex asked if I was there to get images of my bicornuate uterus.  I told him that i was there to get a picture of what was in there...my doctor and I were unsure.  SURPRISE! Not only did i not know i had a bicornuate uterus - i didnt even know what that meant!  I radded that to the mental list of things to look up when i got home.  Alex was finished with the external ultrasound in about ten minutes and as soon as he finished, I jumped out of the bed and ran to the nearest restroom.  I was so relieved!

For the internal ultrasound a woman named Sharon joined us....to make sure Alex was kosher... and we started the test.  I did the best i could to make sense of the images on the monitor above my head.  I asked Alex questions about what he was doing and he answered the best he could.  I watched the screen as measurements were taken (110 mm....i need to remember that), he examined my ovaries and took sound images (the left one didn't have a "heart beat".....write that down, sarah), he labeled the masses (three total).  I remembered the advice i got before my MRI in February: don't pay too much attention.....let the doctor interpret the data; but really didn't give it much heed.

After the tests were done, I took my time dressing and took a leisurely drive down to Corvallis for dinner with some friends.  I had one of them convert those 110mm into inches...about 4.5.  I vented. I listened to their stories about life. We had a good dinner and I made myself focus on the moment.  I knew that my thoughts would be consumed with all of this news in the weeks leading up to my follow-up on the 25th so i wanted to focus on being with good company.  The women i was with that night encouraged me to laugh and let me be real about the whole situation.  I was nervous and scared. we sat in silence for a moment as someone tried to think of a way to lighten the mood after the gravity of the situation set in.  I have three masses in my uterus....the largest is 4.5".

The doc's words were ringing in my ears: "if it is between 4 and 5 inches we are going to get aggressive."

The Start: walking out with a plan

I am counting down the days until Wednesday. Well, actually, I am counting down the hours and minutes and seconds until Wednesday. At 8am on the morning on the 26th, I will be sitting in a sterile doctor's office chatting with Bad-Ass Barbie about the 4.5" ball of weirdness that is inside of my uterus and my floppy ovary.
I am sitting on my couch, the Friday night before, frustrated with the lack of stories from women my age. I am facing a pool of unknowns and can not find resources or outlets or solace from women in my shoes. So, with Project Runway as my soundtrack, this blog is transforming into a space for me to document my journey with Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome.

In late July, I went to my annual appointment with my gynecologist. It had actually been two years...mainly because I was scared.  Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome runs in my family and my mother, noticing some symptoms in me, encouraged me to chat with my doctor about PCOS as a possible answer to my issues. Since I was 16, my period has been VERY irregular, cramps that knocked me out; i put on weight like it was my job and no matter what i tried i could not lose any weight; horrible acne; and my personal "favorite" excess hair, hirsutism. This symptom is, by far, the most difficult to deal with. I am constantly aware of my face and the male-pattern growth on my body; i do not, by any stretch of the imagination, feel feminine or pretty or desirable with black hairs sprouting where ever they want. When i start to think about this symptom and/or talk about it with friends, family, and medical professionals, i instantly well up and my heart gets lodged in my throat. I want, more than anything, to feel confident when i wake up in the morning....no make up...just my naked face.

When i went my doctor 2 years ago I chatted with her about PCOS and the possibility of a diagnosis for me. This doctor just told me i didn't have it. I was so ill-prepared to stand up for myself that i didn't push her to test my hormone levels or do ultrasounds. I took her non-diagnosis and left the office. Over the next two years, my periods were still rare but painful; the hair on my face was getting heavier and harder to deal with; and i started having more and more sharp, shooting, pains in my abdomen.

This spring i did more and more research on PCOS and made an appointment with a new doctor, a woman brand-new to Oregon with a Doctorate of Osteopathic Medicine. I decided that i was going to go into this appointment and not walk out without a plan and a diagnosis. I was positive that I have been living with PCOS for a few years and I had gotten to the point that not knowing was more damaging, mostly to my soul, than knowing and not doing anything about it. Without a confirmed diagnosis, i couldn't do anything to help myself.

I walked into my appointment on July 30 prepared to fight. I was the first appointment for the day so there was no waiting or stalling. My doctor walked in, dressed in head-to-toe bubblegum pink with blonde hair and one of the more glorious tans i had seen for a while. Immediately i thought, "oh fuck....Barbie's my gyno." We started talking about PCOS, my family's history, and my symptoms. Without hesitation, the doc looked at me and said, "You have it. There is no doubt in my mind. I can tell just by looking at you." At that point, i started crying....it was such a relief to be validated. I was such a relief to know that i would walk out with a plan. It was such a relief to know that it would get better....or at least more manageable.

As we chatted about PCOS, the doc said that (worst-case scenario) should she feel anything suspect, I would be going in for an ultrasound and we would do a full blood work-up.  if i have any cysts or growths or masses between 4 and 5 inches, we would "get aggressive." I wasn't totally sure what that meant or how that simple sentence could change the route of the rest of my 2009. During the exam, the doc looked up at me and said, with a puzzled look, "hunh...you have a very large uterus." Of course, my nervous humor took over. "Thanks," i said, as i flipped my hair.

The doc finished the exam, took her gloves off, and said, "well, Sarah....this is worst-case scenario. I don't like what i feel so we are going to get aggressive." I was set up with prescriptions as an attempt to even out my hormones, appointments were made for ultrasounds and a follow-up. I did what i planned to do.....I was walking out with a plan.