It has been a long time since Dylan and I have had a real(-ish) conversation. There have been short conversations over text or chat throughout training, but it wasn't until this most recent Monday that we have actually spoken on the phone and sustained any sort of conversation.
It was great to hear her voice but awkward at the same time. It was like we were starting all over and re-learning each other's conversation style, intonation, and humor. There is one art of me that is trying to decide if this is a hiccup or a road block. But there is another part of me telling me shut up and let it be. I think i am going to go with the latter. I am hoping that not seeing each other in about three weeks has caused a software glitch and we can get back to normal this weekend.
29 September 2009
A Baby Shower
I walked out of my class tonight with some friends and we started talking about the ball-of-fun and surgery. We decided that I should have a baby shower since I am essentially having a C-Section...just minus the baby.
I think it's a great idea!! We can play baby games, drink beer out of bottles, I can get presents, and eat cake. I decided that it is definitely a girl. I was brainstorming names with my car-pool buddy and decided that the ball-of-fun shall be hence forth referred to as Tyra Banks. Why, you ask. Well, Tyra, like the ball-of-fun, is annoying. Similarly, they are both fierce. I have a feeling the ball-of-fun can smile with her eyes and that she turns every conversation with my organs into a conversation about her....she is self-absorbed like that.
I think it's a great idea!! We can play baby games, drink beer out of bottles, I can get presents, and eat cake. I decided that it is definitely a girl. I was brainstorming names with my car-pool buddy and decided that the ball-of-fun shall be hence forth referred to as Tyra Banks. Why, you ask. Well, Tyra, like the ball-of-fun, is annoying. Similarly, they are both fierce. I have a feeling the ball-of-fun can smile with her eyes and that she turns every conversation with my organs into a conversation about her....she is self-absorbed like that.
23 September 2009
The Plan: part five
I got a call from surgical scheduling this morning....I am on the calendar for 11 November 2009 at 2:30 pm and I have a pre-op appointment on Oct 28.
I thought that i would be relieved to finally be on the books...but i'm not. I'm more freaked out now.
I thought that i would be relieved to finally be on the books...but i'm not. I'm more freaked out now.
19 September 2009
Lessons Learned from the Year of Yes
As the culminating experience for this year's RA training, the Professional Staff decided a ropes course was in order. One of the staples of RA training is usually "Camp." This year, with the university facing the budget reality that the majority of colleges and universities are also dealing with, we needed cut costs where ever we could. One of the hard decisions was if we should still go on retreat. Professional Staff decided that with the budget reality, the calendar, and the feedback we had been given, we could create a memorable and educational experience without camp. Instead, we did an all-day ropes course experience. Last time I was on a ropes course I chickened out. I was not allowing myself to do that this time.
We started the day on the low elements and i must say....we kicked ass!! The very first thing we did was a circuit of low elements where the team was broken into two groups and the groups had to start at the same tree, travel in opposite directions, pass each other, and meet back at the same tree. it was, by far, the most physically challenging part of the day. at one point, i was climbing a spider web. We had to go from left to right without touching the wire...we could touch rope...not wire. as i stepped onto the web, i got really tired. I found myself thinking about giving up. I thought about saying that i couldn't do it. i thought about falling off. but i didnt. I dont know what happened but all of a sudden, i was off the web and onto the next element.
I remember thinking that this was not the hardest thing i would deal with this year. I still had the giant swing, the zip line, and major surgery to get out of the way before i could tackle my portfolio and graduation.
After lunch it was on to the high elements. my group of 13 people got through 5 elements in 3 hours!! I was impressed!!! Since we were the largest group of the afternoon, we got to go on the zip line first At the same time that we were doing the zip line, we were doing an element where you climb a freestanding pole, stand on top, jump off and hit a giant ball on the way down. To that, i said.....yeah right. i refused to come off any element by billet....i wanted to reserve my nerves for the zip line. When it was my turn, i climbed up the giant tree without any major problems. The woman at the top of the tree said my eyes were very intense (she found me later in the day and told me she loved my eyes...."they burned an impression on her soul"). I got the top, got hooked into the zip line and was TERRIFIED. It was in that moment that i solidified i am not afraid of heights. rather, i am afraid of falling. I looked at the woman who was ready for me to go whenever i was ready. I think i teared up a little because i was so scared. but then i told myself that there is only one way down and jumped. i thought that i was screaming "Oh SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT" in my head. Nope, i was totally screaming out loud. I got back up to the hill where my team was laughing super hard and informed me that i was screaming out loud. We all laughed wicked hard about the whole thing as we watched Russell go up the pole and jump off BLINDFOLDED! I did two more elements (the flying squirrel and the giant swing) and walked away very proud of myself. More than proud, i walked away confident. I felt confident in what i have....how i operate....and what i bring to the table.
On the ride home we got into a conversation about the last time that we brought people to a ropes course. Zack, a 3rd year RA who was on my team that year, and I started talking about how i chickened out last time.
"What happened there, Boss?" he asked.
"I dont know. I think i am just stronger." I answered him solemnly with a real understanding that I had changed since then.
I thought about that statement a lot as we drove home. I am so much stronger in a lot of ways. Since last time (Fall 2007), i have become physically stronger and more fit (true....there is still a long way to go, but I am miles from where i was). More than the physical difference, I know that the last time i was faced with high ropes elements, I did not have the confidence in myself to even try. I was still so damaged and broken from that break up (sorry, kb). When i moved back to Oregon i was hungry for my fresh start but when i was given the opportunity to literally jump into a new beginning i got scared and backed out....i wasn't willing to invest in me. Two years later though, i quiet the little voice in my head that tells me i can't do it before she has a chance to start. Two years later, i push fear and doubt out of my soul before they have a chance to get there. Two years later, I am proactive, reflective, and thankful. Two years later, i am hopeful, optimistic, and sure. Two years later, i know who I am.
With the Year of Yes has come a lot of chance for me to understand my strength and skills. I have learned that even though it might hurt like hell to do 10 more reps, it will hurt more to give up. I have learned that even though i might be scared to have hard conversations and ask hard questions, i will be more scared not knowing the answers. I have learned that I am stronger than I look, smarter than I give my self credit for, and braver than i thought i was.
We started the day on the low elements and i must say....we kicked ass!! The very first thing we did was a circuit of low elements where the team was broken into two groups and the groups had to start at the same tree, travel in opposite directions, pass each other, and meet back at the same tree. it was, by far, the most physically challenging part of the day. at one point, i was climbing a spider web. We had to go from left to right without touching the wire...we could touch rope...not wire. as i stepped onto the web, i got really tired. I found myself thinking about giving up. I thought about saying that i couldn't do it. i thought about falling off. but i didnt. I dont know what happened but all of a sudden, i was off the web and onto the next element.
I remember thinking that this was not the hardest thing i would deal with this year. I still had the giant swing, the zip line, and major surgery to get out of the way before i could tackle my portfolio and graduation.
After lunch it was on to the high elements. my group of 13 people got through 5 elements in 3 hours!! I was impressed!!! Since we were the largest group of the afternoon, we got to go on the zip line first At the same time that we were doing the zip line, we were doing an element where you climb a freestanding pole, stand on top, jump off and hit a giant ball on the way down. To that, i said.....yeah right. i refused to come off any element by billet....i wanted to reserve my nerves for the zip line. When it was my turn, i climbed up the giant tree without any major problems. The woman at the top of the tree said my eyes were very intense (she found me later in the day and told me she loved my eyes...."they burned an impression on her soul"). I got the top, got hooked into the zip line and was TERRIFIED. It was in that moment that i solidified i am not afraid of heights. rather, i am afraid of falling. I looked at the woman who was ready for me to go whenever i was ready. I think i teared up a little because i was so scared. but then i told myself that there is only one way down and jumped. i thought that i was screaming "Oh SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT" in my head. Nope, i was totally screaming out loud. I got back up to the hill where my team was laughing super hard and informed me that i was screaming out loud. We all laughed wicked hard about the whole thing as we watched Russell go up the pole and jump off BLINDFOLDED! I did two more elements (the flying squirrel and the giant swing) and walked away very proud of myself. More than proud, i walked away confident. I felt confident in what i have....how i operate....and what i bring to the table.On the ride home we got into a conversation about the last time that we brought people to a ropes course. Zack, a 3rd year RA who was on my team that year, and I started talking about how i chickened out last time.
"What happened there, Boss?" he asked.
"I dont know. I think i am just stronger." I answered him solemnly with a real understanding that I had changed since then.
I thought about that statement a lot as we drove home. I am so much stronger in a lot of ways. Since last time (Fall 2007), i have become physically stronger and more fit (true....there is still a long way to go, but I am miles from where i was). More than the physical difference, I know that the last time i was faced with high ropes elements, I did not have the confidence in myself to even try. I was still so damaged and broken from that break up (sorry, kb). When i moved back to Oregon i was hungry for my fresh start but when i was given the opportunity to literally jump into a new beginning i got scared and backed out....i wasn't willing to invest in me. Two years later though, i quiet the little voice in my head that tells me i can't do it before she has a chance to start. Two years later, i push fear and doubt out of my soul before they have a chance to get there. Two years later, I am proactive, reflective, and thankful. Two years later, i am hopeful, optimistic, and sure. Two years later, i know who I am.
With the Year of Yes has come a lot of chance for me to understand my strength and skills. I have learned that even though it might hurt like hell to do 10 more reps, it will hurt more to give up. I have learned that even though i might be scared to have hard conversations and ask hard questions, i will be more scared not knowing the answers. I have learned that I am stronger than I look, smarter than I give my self credit for, and braver than i thought i was.
15 September 2009
Getting Back on Track
Tuesdays are my weigh-in days for Weight Watchers. I have been doing well. 30+ pounds so far and my goal is getting closer. Lately, however, with the stress of training, the ball-of-fun, starting a relationship, and getting back into the swing of school I have let my progress and success take a back seat. Over the past month i have let my circumstances take control.
At today's meeting i felt the effect of that more than i have in quite a while. I honestly don't know what happened, but I know that i gained. I know exactly WHY i gained, too. My love affair with carbs matched with a lot of apathy, a lot of sitting, and a lot of excuses have helped me reverse all of the work that i had been doing.
Tonight......I ate a blizzard as i was watching The Biggest Loser. It used to be funny. It used to be a joke to my friends and I to fuel our "inner fat kids" while we watched other fat kids battle their fat. We let their success be good enough for us. The minute i started weight watchers, though, i made a promise that i would not let my circumstances take over....i would never again make excuses. But i have been. Since i got told that I was had this giant thing inside my body, i have been finding a lot of reasons why i should not follow the plan.
I'm not sure what i need to do, but somehow, i need to get my ass back in gear and back on plan. I want to fit into my dress for Sarah's wedding. I want to fit into the skinny jeans. I want to feel confident in my skin. Hell, I want to feel confident naked! I want to believe it when Dylan tells me i'm sexy (cause i sure as hell don't right now). I know that all of these things are based in physical appearance....but i have NEVER experienced these things. This journey is not about getting back to somewhere i was....this is about getting somewhere i have never been. I don't know if i have even thought that it was possible. I have always known and believed that i would be fat my whole life long. I am at the point where losing is great.....but losing is scary. I don't know what it's like to be thin. I don't know what it's like to be confident. I don't know what it's like to be truly comfortable in my skin; truly comfortable in front of a group of people; truly comfortable letting a partner see me exposed. I am scared that i will get to my goal weight and not be satisfied with what is left. for me, that's the scariest part......what if, even thin, i'm not enough. I tell the young women and men i work with that no matter what anyone tells them: they are enough. I need to take (and LISTEN) to my own words. but....FUCK......it's hard.
Tonight on the premiere of The Biggest Loser, Jillian (the woman that inspires me, kicks my ass through DVD work outs, has her voice burned in my head), helped kick my mental self back in gear. Here are some of the Jillian-isms that resonated tonight:
"It's a choice. Make a different Choice. If you don't then no one can help you."
"What I will not tolerate is working below your potential."
At today's meeting i felt the effect of that more than i have in quite a while. I honestly don't know what happened, but I know that i gained. I know exactly WHY i gained, too. My love affair with carbs matched with a lot of apathy, a lot of sitting, and a lot of excuses have helped me reverse all of the work that i had been doing.
I'm not sure what i need to do, but somehow, i need to get my ass back in gear and back on plan. I want to fit into my dress for Sarah's wedding. I want to fit into the skinny jeans. I want to feel confident in my skin. Hell, I want to feel confident naked! I want to believe it when Dylan tells me i'm sexy (cause i sure as hell don't right now). I know that all of these things are based in physical appearance....but i have NEVER experienced these things. This journey is not about getting back to somewhere i was....this is about getting somewhere i have never been. I don't know if i have even thought that it was possible. I have always known and believed that i would be fat my whole life long. I am at the point where losing is great.....but losing is scary. I don't know what it's like to be thin. I don't know what it's like to be confident. I don't know what it's like to be truly comfortable in my skin; truly comfortable in front of a group of people; truly comfortable letting a partner see me exposed. I am scared that i will get to my goal weight and not be satisfied with what is left. for me, that's the scariest part......what if, even thin, i'm not enough. I tell the young women and men i work with that no matter what anyone tells them: they are enough. I need to take (and LISTEN) to my own words. but....FUCK......it's hard.
Tonight on the premiere of The Biggest Loser, Jillian (the woman that inspires me, kicks my ass through DVD work outs, has her voice burned in my head), helped kick my mental self back in gear. Here are some of the Jillian-isms that resonated tonight:"It's a choice. Make a different Choice. If you don't then no one can help you."
"What I will not tolerate is working below your potential."
11 September 2009
The Plan: part four
I got an email from Bad-Ass Barbie this week.
She doesn't have privileges at St. Vincent's or Sunnyside so it looks like i have (had) a decision to make. Either I do surgery at Salem Hospital and deal with car-sickness whilst on pain meds to travel up to my mom's once i'm released from the hospital or Bad-Ass Barbie refers me to a doc up North.
I chose to keep Bad-Ass Barbie and deal with the drive.
She doesn't have privileges at St. Vincent's or Sunnyside so it looks like i have (had) a decision to make. Either I do surgery at Salem Hospital and deal with car-sickness whilst on pain meds to travel up to my mom's once i'm released from the hospital or Bad-Ass Barbie refers me to a doc up North.
I chose to keep Bad-Ass Barbie and deal with the drive.
The Queen of Apathy
OMFG.....I have been sooooooo OVER it all week. sadly, i don't have a good reason to be. I like my staff, i love my job, the schedule is fairly cake, and i like the sessions i am presenting. I have just been over it.
Any ideas to help me out of this funk?
Any ideas to help me out of this funk?
05 September 2009
I have to be honest.....I am little terrified to start RA training on Monday. This year I got really attached to summer and the freedom that comes with the absence of college students everywhere i turn. I think I am less-ready for this year because i know that there are a lot of decisions to make this year....there is a lot of work to be done....there is a lot riding on 2009-2010.
I have to graduate. I have to put together a portfolio that I am proud of. I have to put together a portfolio that my committee will approve of. I have to get through three internships and 6 more classes (all while working full-time and trying to heal from massive surgery). Last year I felt in over my head with Theory I, Legal Issues, and Theory II. Those classes were the most academically demanding and made my brain hurt.....all the time. But this year....there is an end in sight and I am terrified of it. I am scared that I will drop the ball in the 11th hour.
I have to decide if I am staying at WOU for a 4th year. We are building a new Res Hall and I really want it......but....i really don't know how I will do in Monmouth for a 4th year. I don't know if I can. I miss the city. I miss the options. I miss being close to my friends. I miss being close to my family. BUT....I love my job, i love the people i work for, i love the opportunities i have at WOU, i love the trust that i have from my supervisors, i love that i am encouraged to try new things. I was looking forward to having a year to do my job without school looming in my background. I was NOT looking forward to doing a job search while i wrote a portfolio and did RA selection. This is going to be a hard decision.
I have to graduate. I have to put together a portfolio that I am proud of. I have to put together a portfolio that my committee will approve of. I have to get through three internships and 6 more classes (all while working full-time and trying to heal from massive surgery). Last year I felt in over my head with Theory I, Legal Issues, and Theory II. Those classes were the most academically demanding and made my brain hurt.....all the time. But this year....there is an end in sight and I am terrified of it. I am scared that I will drop the ball in the 11th hour.
I have to decide if I am staying at WOU for a 4th year. We are building a new Res Hall and I really want it......but....i really don't know how I will do in Monmouth for a 4th year. I don't know if I can. I miss the city. I miss the options. I miss being close to my friends. I miss being close to my family. BUT....I love my job, i love the people i work for, i love the opportunities i have at WOU, i love the trust that i have from my supervisors, i love that i am encouraged to try new things. I was looking forward to having a year to do my job without school looming in my background. I was NOT looking forward to doing a job search while i wrote a portfolio and did RA selection. This is going to be a hard decision.
Which was is a girl to look?
04 September 2009
The Plan: part three
Well, cats and kittens, I have news. It involves a lot of crossed fingers.I was beginning to get frustrated with Bad-Ass Barbie. She told me at my last appointment that she would be doing some research about surgical options, reproductive endocrinologists, and further tests that would be needed. On my end I was asked to look at my schedule for the rest of 2009 and give her a time line of when i could be out. She told me that she would get to be no later than a week out (Wednesday). Well, Wednesday came and went. Nothing. I sent her the email from my end during lunch. On my heath care's website i can see if my email messages have been read. As of 3:00 yesterday afternoon, she had still not read my email and I had no message. grrrr.
This morning, however, i had a notice in my email letting me know that i has a message waiting for me. I was nervous....ready for the news...but nervous.
"Studies show better success with open procedures than laporoscopic. We will make a bikini incision and go in and remove the fibroid. I have done this type of surgery quite successfully before and look forward to getting this taken care of for you. Expect 1-2 days in the hospital, followed by 2 weeks no driving (6 weeks complete recovery). We might get you back into classes at 2-3 weeks post op but no heavy activity for 6 weeks."
OK.....lets go. There are still a lot of logistics to figure out, though. Can the surgery be done in the Portland area so I'm closer to my mom's house? How the hell am I going to basically sit still for 2 weeks?! (NO DRIVING.......ugh.) What about work? Who will supervise my staff, cover duty, hear my conduct meetings? What about school? Will my professors let me miss that many classes? How many will i actually have to miss?
Hopefully this will be a simple procedure and nothing will be wonky. I have been having dreams that they go to take the bag-of-fun out and find that they have to take everything out. I know that those are just my fears talking and creeping into my brain, but it is still scary to think about. Cross your fingers for smooth sailing!
Hopefully i will get scheduled for early November. Before that i would have to give up my Ani DiFranco tickets (yeah right). Much later than that and I risk not being well for Sarah's wedding (yeah right). Cross your fingers for an appointment in Portland during the first week of November!
I will gladly be accepting visitors (and cookies).
I decided that i am going to get a "commemorative tattoo" once i am all healed....along with the visitors and cookies, any suggestions for tattoos are welcome.
01 September 2009
My Favorite Things
You know that song "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music? I love that song and whenever I find new products or restaurants or.....whatever, I think of that scene and hear Julie Andrews in my head as i add this new favorite thing to my running list. I think it is only fair to share some of these great finds with people and this blog is a perfect medium.The newest addition: Pangea Organics Facial Toner. This toner comes in three scents/varieties for three different skin types. French Rosemary with Sweet Orange for delicate, thirsty & evolved skin; Italian Green Mandarin with Sweet Lime for balanced & combo skin; and Argentinian Tangerine and Thyme for oil-rich & demanding skin. If i were picking just based on smell, i think i would have gone with the Italian Green Mandarian and sweet Lime (because I am obsessed with lime lately), but i have demanding skin....so I went with the Argentinian Tangerine Thyme variety. Let me tell you...it is AWESOME! It smells delicious, has a spray nozzle so it travels well and i don't have to fuss with cotton balls, and the packaging is plant-able! I have been using it for about a month and my skin has done a 180! I don't have red, itchy skin; i don't have to use as much moisturizer; and i don't feel like a grease-ball at the end of the day. two or three sprays in the morning and I am good to go for the day!
It is a bit spendy (about $23), but SO worth it! I found it at Zupan's in Portland, but I am sure that you can find it at health food stores, co-ops, and speciality shops. Like i said, i have been using it for about a month and i feel like i have hardly used any....i hope that meansit's worth it!
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