The Plan: In Action

Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment with Bad Ass Barbie.  We chatted about potential damage to other organs (ovaries and bladder mainly), the potential of losing my uterus (thankfully very slim), and all of the other health concerns and stuff to take into consideration: medication modifications to level out my blood work, how my heart will/could react, what tests i need to take and labs i need to do.   I am scheduled to do blood work and labs on Monday and then need to be at the hospital by noon on Tuesday.  

Here's the part that kills me......I have to take a pregnancy test.....even though I am gay and there is no possible way for me to be accidentally pregnant.  This is a "problem" reserved for straight couples.  I wish, more than anything, that biology was on my side and my partner and I could (one day) conceive children without looking to contraptions, sperm donors, and fertility treatments.  I feel like it's almost a slap in the face to make me pee in a cup.....rub it in my face....hmm.

I will not be allowed to have surgery without the test and it's not hard to do....it's just borderline discriminatory.  It would be one thing if i said that my partner had a vasectomy or that I was on the pill and we used condoms.....all of those options fail from time to time.  lesbian sex will never make a baby.

I understand that sometimes people lie about being sexual active or contraceptives fail or people don't use it....but WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT SLEEPING WITH WOMEN?!  I understand that surgery to the uterus would not be good for a fetus....but there isn't one.

If I am pregnant we need to call the pope cause we have another immaculate conception on our hands.

UPDATE:  Officially NOT pregnant.....Shocker.

Baby Brandon...an update

Brandon passed away tonight.  He left a stamp on our hearts in just seven days, 18 hours and 18 minutes.

Thank you for all of your prayers, strength, and love.  I know that his family appreciated it and felt every kind, compassionate, and inspiring word you thought, prayed, and said in their direction.

Please continue to to pray for his parents, Katie and Dino, and the rest of his family as they grieve and manage this tragedy.

Baby Brandon

Ladies and gentlemen....there is a new baby that entered this world who needs all of the prayers, good vibes, positivity, and well wishes that y'all can muster.  This baby, Brandon Oliver, was born to one of the sweetest, most loving, and amazing women I know.  Katie is the older sister of my best friend from high school, Jenny.  I spent countless hours at their house as a teenager and loved every hour i was in the presence of these strong, passionate women.

When Katie got pregnant I was overjoyed!  She had been waiting for a baby for so long and this baby was going to get spoiled!  Well, life threw her a curve ball and she spent the majority of her pregnancy on bed-rest.  Katie is a hard-working, busy, passionate woman and sitting still for a long time was not really part of her life....but for her baby, she made it part of her life.  Brandon was born on Monday, October 19 at 11:24 pm....and life threw her another (BIGGER) curve ball.

Here is the email Katie sent out shortly after Brandon was born:

Hello All,

As many of you know, Brandon was born on Monday night, 10/19/2009 at 11:24 PM. He was 7lbs 6oz and 20 3/4 inches long. We are so excited to have him.

Unfortunately, there were some complications in the baby's health that made things difficult. Although the birthing process was going really well, his heart rate decelerated during the process and failed to come up. I was sedated and he was born via emergency c-section (Dr. Strebel saved B's life,and I am so grateful for him!). He was immediately intubated and taken to the NICU. Dino was able to see him a few times and take some pictures. A few hours later he was taken by air to a hospital in Salt Lake City where he could get a higher level of care. I was able to see him for a less than a minute before he left, but he was really cute!

Currently, Brandon is intubated and they have completed some brain studies, including an ultrasound of his brain. They have noticed an area that seems to have gotten less blood flow than the rest. However, he kicks a lot and seems to know his Daddy (Dino is in Salt Lake City with him). He is very very cute, with blonde hair and green/blue eyes. We are waiting for a brain MRI to be completed on Friday so we can get a better idea of how healthy he is.

I will be with the baby on Monday, whether he is in Salt Lake City or Vegas. I will send a new email and more pics as soon as possible.

Thank you for all of the love and prayers you have sent our way! We appreciate all of you!

Love,
Katie, Dino and Brandon

As of late, God and I have been on a break.  I have been trying to figure out where i fit, what i think and believe about God, and which kind of pew i should sit in....Catholic, Jewish, or something else. When I heard from Katie and Jenny on Tuesday morning, i found myself pacing through my apartment, wringing my hands, and praying.  I know that my prayers, well wishes, good vibes, and positivity need to be echoed.  It would mean so much to me if you could all send some love towards that tiny baby and his family.

Brandon Oliver

A New Favorite Thing...on the internet

In class today, my professors introduced the class to the world of Word Clouds.  On this website, wordle.net, users input text and their tool inputs the different words into clusters with the most common words larger and the least used words smaller.  So....in honor of the Ani Show on Friday, I made some with her lyrics.  I am having troubles saving the image.....so I am working on it and will let you know when/if i figure it out.

32 Flavors 
Not a Pretty Girl
Untouchable Face

I think i have found my new waste-of-time!!

Interesting Twist

I got an en email this week that the website i used to meet Dylan was having a "Free Communication Weekend."  Things are going well with Dylan but we are still open to meeting and seeing other people.  So, after giving it some thought i decided to check back and see who i might get introduced to. 

Annie came onto my screen and after looking at her profile, exchanging what is important to us in relationships, and asking and answering each other some short answer questions we exchanged emails and i have started to get some butterflies.  I am interested to see what happens....hopefully we will continue the conversation. 

Whoops.

I have realized that I am....shockingly...behind.  I should be further along in my portfolio.  hell...i should have started my portfolio.  FML.

I was always more of a Joey fan...How about you?

Tonight over a fabulous dinner of sushi and gelato (two things that truly go together, am I right?!) with some of the only people I can truly label as friends from my graduate school experience I started sorting out stuff with Dylan.  It was over spicy tuna rolls, edamame, and coconut gelato that i realized that I am falling for Dylan....if I haven't already.  I have been thinking about bringing the "what are we" conversation back up, but i have changed my mind after comments about how great she feels in this space in her life where she can do whatever she wants and she feels totally free.  Since I am trying this whole "don't over-analyze" thing I have been taking her statements at face value and not reading more into it.

Do I want her to ask me to be her girlfriend?  Yup.  Do I want to have the conversation about where this is going?  I sure do.  Do I want to bring her and us onto my train of thought about next year?  I wouldn't mind it.  Even though I want all of these things I also really want her to be with me, in a committed fashion, because she is ready and because she wants to be.  I am not looking for a key to her house, my name on the mortgage, or a ring on my finger.  I am just ready for a little more stability and structure in our....whatever we are.  It is getting to the point where it is hard to be nebulous. It is so much easier to say "my girlfriend, Dylan," but it's not the truth. 

In the immortal words of NKOTB...I need to take this Step by Step....whatever those are.

Seriously though.....who did you like?  Joey, Jordan, Jonathan, Donny, or Danny?

ps....i can not call myself a true, die-hard fan.  I had to go to their Wikipedia page to remember all of their names.  I do, however, STILL have the Step by Step album and I am not afraid to admit that I put it on my iPod.

The Plan: part five (edited)

I was looking over the paperwork I was sent by my doctor last night.  Up at the top the woman who sent it all to me wrote in reminders about my pre-op appointment and surgical appointment.

Pre-Op: 10/28.
Check.

Surgery: 11/3.
WHAT!?

I had 11/11 written down.  I asked the woman I was on the phone with about five different ways to verify that we were scheduling for November 11 at 230 pm.  I planned to be gone from work and school starting the week of November 11.  My staff was prepared, my duty was covered, and my support team was in place for November 11.  SHIT.....November 3 throws more than a few kinks in the pipe.

I called Salem Hospital the next morning and chatted with a woman in Surgical Scheduling and she verified that, yup...I was on the book for Tuesday, November 3.  "I'm not sure why they told you a Wednesday. Kaiser doesn't do surgery here on Wednesdays......."  There was a horribly awkward silence and I came to understanding that I would need to be changing the plans.

so........in the morning..........i changed the plans.  Tyra Banks will be gone 8 days sooner.

A New Favorite Thing

I am in love with my down comforter, feather bed, and feather pillow.  What I am NOT in love with is the shifting and falling and gaps that happen throughout the night leaving my comforter bunched at the bottom of the duvet.  I hate being cold in the middle of the night because all I have is two thin pieces of cotton covering me.  I hate trying to shake the comforter back into position in the wee hours of the morning.  This is where my new favorite things come in wonderfully handy.  I found Duvet Grips at Bed Bath & Beyond and made the $5.39 investment hoping that this silly product I found strewn amongst the "As Seen on TV" products would be worth it. 

Ladies and gentlemen...it was worth it. 

These clips keep my comforter in place, they haven't come loose, and are versatile enough to fit any warmth rating comforter.  I can layer comforters during the winter and have everything stay put.  I am in love with the fact that i have not had to do the comforter de-bunching-dance.    If you have bunched comforters....give these suckers a try.

Grandma's Table

Side Note:

Please feel free to leave comments!!  It makes happy to know that people are reading and i really would like feedback!

The Entry:
I am getting braver with this whole blogging thing.  I have begun to "advertise" the blog to friends,  class mates, and family and have, therefore, invited them into my life in a way that I have never done.  I have been, throughout my life, very guarded and private; letting only close friends know intimate details and stories.  This blog has opened a door; i have a new desire to open my life to friends and family in a new, much less guarded, authentic, and raw way.  This blog has left me exposed in a manner that i have not been brave enough to be.  I am most concerned about the reactions from my family.  I feel like I have been one version of me in front of them and a very different one the rest of the time.  While i know that my family is (for the most part) supportive and encouraging, there is still the fear in the back of my mind that learning about my life on such a level that i bring to the blog may cause some of my family to turn their backs.  Losing my spot at my grandmother's dinner table would be one the biggest pains of my life, no matter how intensely i have defended my independence or drifted from their reach.

I think many, if not all, members of the LGBTQ community have faced this fear at some point in their lives.  It causes me great pain that i have not been able to say that i am totally out, although i have been out in my social, work, and home life for many years.  There are still pockets of my family that i have not explicitly told.  I have dropped hints like crazy to my uncles...but i haven't said the words "yup, i'm gay" to all of them.

Thanks to the divorce, my uncles became the "positive male role models" in my life and i looked to them often as the good guys in the world.  I always looked forward to dinners at grandma's house because i got to spend time with them; I loved hearing them laugh, tell stories about their childhood with my mom, and watching movies or games with them.  I got an email tonight from the middle uncle, Dave, with a link to his bowling team's fan page...it's a riot.  He bowls at the same alley as Dylan (different night and very different league).  I wrote back and casually mentioned that I am, indeed, a lesbian:  "The woman I am dating bowls in a league there on Fridays!  I love that place!"  (I am pretty sure that Dave knows, but it just feels good that i am FINALLY...officially...out to two of the three uncles.)

Uncle Jimmy, the youngest, has been a great source of strength, perspective, and insight to the family.  He was the first one of the three i told.  He is sure that my grandparents, his parents, will be supportive, loving, and there.  He told me stories of times in his life, as well and instances in my mother's, that he feared losing the support, trust, love and confidence of his parents.  He was relieved and surprised that as much as he "messed up" they were still standing tall by his side.   I am afraid, however, that they will cling to their Catholic heritage and use their faith as a reason to abandon and shun me.  Being gay in the Catholic church isn't a source of pride.  Many of my gay friends who are still with the church speak about instances of hate and prejudice although they are, in many respects, better Catholics than their straight counterparts.  I am worried my grandparents will not be willing to recognize my future partner and children as members of their family.  I am worried that my children will grow up without great-grandparents.  I cherish the memories that i have with my Granny and it hurts my soul to think that my children would miss out on making their own memories with great-grandparents because of ignorance and hate.  My grandparents and I have not always seen eye to eye - correction - we have never seen eye to eye.  They often infuriate me, but i am terrified of losing them.

The eldest Uncle, Steve, has always been the funny one.  I sit next to him at my grandparent's dinner table and we make jokes to each other under our breath.  I have loved growing up and getting to be an adult next to him.  He was one of the first people in my life to make me feel valid as a "grown up."  I'm not even sure what exactly happened, but i remember being looked to as an equal with valid insight in the adult conversations that we have over coffee and pie after the dinner table is cleared and as our meal digests.

There is a predictability about dinners and grandma's.  To my child-self, this predictability was a welcome change to the scurry i remember feeling about being at home.  As a child i remember often feeling out of control and chaotic.  Dinners at grandma's were always the same: neat, organized, and comforting.  The food was delicious and soul satisfying; I left with a full belly and an easy-going spirit.  I guess even my adult-self often feels panicked and out-of-control and as if i am standing in the middle of a storm so I have put off coming all the way out because i have feared losing my place at the table.

Glitches....or not

This past weekend Dylan and I got to spend some quality time reconnecting, remembering each other, and having an all together good time.  I was sad to be missing a house-warming party for some friends in Missoula (love you, Grubers!!)...pending hospital bills are putting a stop on the majority of spending right now...oy.  I was also sad that putting a halt on that trip meant that I didn't get to introduce Dylan to the Framily. 

I wish that i could say that this weekend was full of fire works and bells and whistles...but it wasn't.  Drama and show is not really how either Dylan or I roll.  Rather, this weekend was full of ordinary things and finding chances to flirt and talk and laugh throughout.  Friday night we went to dinner and her bowling league.  I brought my computer with me for the weekend because i A) didn't know what my plans were beyond Friday night (I was hoping they included seeing Dylan more, but we had never talked about plans beyond Friday night and Saturday morning); and B) had a crap-ton of homework.  While she and her team bowled, i sat above the lanes and focused on my writing.  I made sure to watch her every time she was up but was mostly focused on getting a chunk of work done so that i would be free for whatever happened for the rest of the weekend.  I could see the guys she bowls with giving her a hard time about bringing a girl bowling and i loved watching her blush.  In between each frame we would flirt, make eyes at each other, and snuggle a little in public...it was refreshing to know that it was hard for her to keep her hands off of me and it was reassuring to know that the glitches i was feeling were only there because of the time we had been apart.

The rest of the weekend was AWESOME!!  We did things for her new house, i got some more homework done, we had good conversation, spent time catching up and laughed a lot.  It was nice to hug her and snuggle and feel her hands on the small of my back.  It felt so good to have her hands back in mine, to look into her beautiful brown eyes, and to get kisses on my neck.  It was comforting to hear her tell me that she thinks i'm sexy, to have her ask me when she gets to see me next, to hate to watch me walk away.

Tonight, I asked Dylan to go to a show with me this weekend...I wanted to take her out on a date.  She's not much of a show person but, in her words, "for you, i would go."  I took the opportunity to ask her to go to Ani on October 23 with me instead of the show this weekend.  She obliged..."i would love to go with you."  Along with seeing Ani, she is going to be meeting some of the Framily!  yaaay!!  I am super excited for the show and for Kristen and Aliesje to meet her.  I am excited to take her on a date, to spoil her a little, and to have a great weekend before Tyra Banks comes out (37 days and counting!).