The Recovery: from home

I am officially back in my own apartment!!  My post-op appointment was on Monday morning in Salem.  Bad-Ass Barbie was wonderfully happy with the outcome, my recovery, and the progress on my incision.

Tyra was just under 5" inches in diameter and a heavy little bugger!  Contrary to popular belief, she was NOT imbedded in the lining of my uterus.  Rather, she was hanging from a substantial blood supply off the front side of my uterus.  She was so big that she was hiding my uterus.  If you will remember from one of my earlier posts, Bad-Ass Barbie commented on the size of my uterus.  She did the same this appointment-but it was the opposite reaction.  Opening my up she saw that my uterus is not large like first thought...instead it's actually pretty small.

I was very lucky...the surgery that was scheduled to take about 2 1/2 hours and would leave me on the couch for weeks lasted under an hour and I was up and moving within a week.  Bad-Ass Barbie was sure that the surgery would include a lot of work to reconstruct my uterus and might leave me unable to be pregnant.  I was prepared to wake up without my reproductive system.  I was prepared to adopt all of my children.  I was prepared to find a counselor to help me deal with the potential grief i would feel when i had to give-up my dream of being pregnant and feeling my child move and grow inside me.  I got really lucky....i got to walk out of the hospital with all of my organs and dreams in tact.

At my post-op appointment, Bad-Ass Barbie signed off on my work release and set the officially set the Sarah-can-TOTALLY-go-back-to-life-date for December 1!!  Right now, i am allowed to drive and go back to school....starting December 1, I can go back to work and get back to working out.  I have been so anxious to start running again, to get back to Jillian Michaels' DVDs, and to get back on track with the weight loss journey.  I have been SO frustrated that I have been complacent and blaming Tyra for the back and forth, the up and down.  I am looking forward to get back to it.

Getting Back on Track

Tuesdays are my weigh-in days for Weight Watchers.  I have been doing well.  30+ pounds so far and my goal is getting closer.  Lately, however, with the stress of training, the ball-of-fun, starting a relationship, and getting back into the swing of school I have let my progress and success take a back seat.  Over the past month i have let my circumstances take control. 

At today's meeting i felt the effect of that more than i have in quite a while.  I honestly don't know what happened, but I know that i gained.  I know exactly WHY i gained, too.  My love affair with carbs matched with a lot of apathy, a lot of sitting, and a lot of excuses have helped me reverse all of the work that i had been doing. 

Tonight......I ate a blizzard as i was watching The Biggest Loser.  It used to be funny.  It used to be a joke to my friends and I to fuel our "inner fat kids" while we watched other fat kids battle their fat.  We let their success be good enough for us.  The minute i started weight watchers, though, i made a promise that i would not let my circumstances take over....i would never again make excuses.  But i have been.  Since i got told that I was had this giant thing inside my body, i have been finding a lot of reasons why i should not follow the plan. 

I'm not sure what i need to do, but somehow, i need to get my ass back in gear and back on plan.  I want to fit into my dress for Sarah's wedding.  I want to fit into the skinny jeans.  I want to feel confident in my skin.  Hell, I want to feel confident naked!  I want to believe it when Dylan tells me i'm sexy (cause i sure as hell don't right now).  I know that all of these things are based in physical appearance....but i have NEVER experienced these things.  This journey is not about getting back to somewhere i was....this is about getting somewhere i have never been.  I don't know if i have even thought that it was possible.  I have always known and believed that i would be fat my whole life long.  I am at the point where losing is great.....but losing is scary.  I don't know what it's like to be thin.  I don't know what it's like to be confident.  I don't know what it's like to be truly comfortable in my skin; truly comfortable in front of a group of people; truly comfortable letting a partner see me exposed.  I am scared that i will get to my goal weight and not be satisfied with what is left.  for me, that's the scariest part......what if, even thin, i'm not enough.  I tell the young women and men i work with that no matter what anyone tells them: they are enough.  I need to take (and LISTEN) to my own words.  but....FUCK......it's hard.

Tonight on the premiere of The Biggest Loser, Jillian (the woman that inspires me, kicks my ass through DVD work outs, has her voice burned in my head), helped kick my mental self back in gear.   Here are some of the Jillian-isms that resonated tonight:

"It's a choice.  Make a different Choice. If you don't then no one can help you."

"What I will not tolerate is working below your potential."

Making it work

I re-hydrated a bunch of garbanzo beans last night and was determined to make something delicious and new for dinner tonight.  But, i got tired and lazy and settled on throwing together a hummus.  I have missed being able to grab a quick snack in the middle of the day that is low in points, totally satisfying, delicious, and (most importantly) easy!  I made a roasted garlic and spinach hummus a while ago and LOVED it.  Tonight, however, I had no spinach in my fridge.  On top of that, I am low on oil, out of lemons, didnt feel like roasting garlic, and craving some spice. so i had to make it work.

Enter.....Salsa.

People.....this is one of my best finds of the year (and Weight Watchers journey). I added salt, fresh garlic, red pepper flakes, a fresh red pepper, a little oil, and spoonfuls of salsa into the food processor and let the machine did the work.  It is AWESOME!!!