I will be at the hospital in less than 12 hours....oy! I got a lot done today: packing, cleaning, prepping my staff, and running errands all over town. In all the hustle and bustle, I totally spaced school. Crap in a bucket! I wanted/needed to get a lot more done this weekend to get ahead, but that did not happen...at all. Hopefully my teachers will be flexible...ugh.
In between packing and prepping, I spent some time with Dylan this weekend and it was WEIRD. She was distant and all together uninterested. Normally we can't keep our hands off of each other....she barely held my hand this weekend. Our conversations were very surface level...until I had a mini meltdown. Her mother invited herself along on nearly EVERYTHING we did. I thought I was going to scream. Finally, I had enough when, after we got back to her place from a Target run, after we decided we were going to take a nap, her mother got all excited about something and totally took Dylan's attention. First off, her mother is really annoying and totally oblivious to what is going on around her. Second, she drives me crazy. Third, I needed some time with Dylan to talk about the weekend's weirdness. I was entirely overwhelmed and at my breaking point. Dylan was puttering with whatever her mother was trying to figure out and I leaned over and told her I was going to head out. This caught her attention and after an initial calm-me-down moment we went to the other room, crawled in her bed, and stared at each other...it was obvious there was something going on for the both of us....something more than my surgery and her house.
I don't remember who broke the tension or how the conversation started but we ended up talking about what we are doing and the direction we are headed. I wish I remembered, in detail, more about the conversation...but what i can recount is that there was a lot of contradiction between word and action, a lot of standing up for myself, and at the end, a lot of unknown. For a moment i thought that we were ending our....whatever we are doing....but then she leaned over to kiss me and said that I make her feel comfortable and totally free to be who she is. In one breath she said that she spends too much time with me when she wanted to be dating and getting back in the "game." In the next breath she asked when she could come to my mom's house to keep me company and take care of me.
At the end of it all, I walked out of her house feeling confident that I stood up for myself yet totally confused. I didn't have the energy, however, to try and figure it out. Luckily, Katherine picked up her phone and she let me process. Thank God for lesbian besties.
The crappy part about it all (aside from having no idea where we stand)....we had this weird talk two days before major surgery with a recovery period that will render me incapable of doing much more than thinking about what i should have said and what she might be thinking. blech.
I'm not totally sure if I will have time to post before surgery tomorrow so if I don't here are some details...I am due at the hospital right before noon. the actual surgery is scheduled for 2:20 PM and should take about 2 hours. I will happily accept any positivity and good vibes you have to spare and are willing to send my way!
Shalom!!!
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