I was always more of a Joey fan...How about you?

Tonight over a fabulous dinner of sushi and gelato (two things that truly go together, am I right?!) with some of the only people I can truly label as friends from my graduate school experience I started sorting out stuff with Dylan.  It was over spicy tuna rolls, edamame, and coconut gelato that i realized that I am falling for Dylan....if I haven't already.  I have been thinking about bringing the "what are we" conversation back up, but i have changed my mind after comments about how great she feels in this space in her life where she can do whatever she wants and she feels totally free.  Since I am trying this whole "don't over-analyze" thing I have been taking her statements at face value and not reading more into it.

Do I want her to ask me to be her girlfriend?  Yup.  Do I want to have the conversation about where this is going?  I sure do.  Do I want to bring her and us onto my train of thought about next year?  I wouldn't mind it.  Even though I want all of these things I also really want her to be with me, in a committed fashion, because she is ready and because she wants to be.  I am not looking for a key to her house, my name on the mortgage, or a ring on my finger.  I am just ready for a little more stability and structure in our....whatever we are.  It is getting to the point where it is hard to be nebulous. It is so much easier to say "my girlfriend, Dylan," but it's not the truth. 

In the immortal words of NKOTB...I need to take this Step by Step....whatever those are.

Seriously though.....who did you like?  Joey, Jordan, Jonathan, Donny, or Danny?

ps....i can not call myself a true, die-hard fan.  I had to go to their Wikipedia page to remember all of their names.  I do, however, STILL have the Step by Step album and I am not afraid to admit that I put it on my iPod.

The Plan: part five (edited)

I was looking over the paperwork I was sent by my doctor last night.  Up at the top the woman who sent it all to me wrote in reminders about my pre-op appointment and surgical appointment.

Pre-Op: 10/28.
Check.

Surgery: 11/3.
WHAT!?

I had 11/11 written down.  I asked the woman I was on the phone with about five different ways to verify that we were scheduling for November 11 at 230 pm.  I planned to be gone from work and school starting the week of November 11.  My staff was prepared, my duty was covered, and my support team was in place for November 11.  SHIT.....November 3 throws more than a few kinks in the pipe.

I called Salem Hospital the next morning and chatted with a woman in Surgical Scheduling and she verified that, yup...I was on the book for Tuesday, November 3.  "I'm not sure why they told you a Wednesday. Kaiser doesn't do surgery here on Wednesdays......."  There was a horribly awkward silence and I came to understanding that I would need to be changing the plans.

so........in the morning..........i changed the plans.  Tyra Banks will be gone 8 days sooner.

A New Favorite Thing

I am in love with my down comforter, feather bed, and feather pillow.  What I am NOT in love with is the shifting and falling and gaps that happen throughout the night leaving my comforter bunched at the bottom of the duvet.  I hate being cold in the middle of the night because all I have is two thin pieces of cotton covering me.  I hate trying to shake the comforter back into position in the wee hours of the morning.  This is where my new favorite things come in wonderfully handy.  I found Duvet Grips at Bed Bath & Beyond and made the $5.39 investment hoping that this silly product I found strewn amongst the "As Seen on TV" products would be worth it. 

Ladies and gentlemen...it was worth it. 

These clips keep my comforter in place, they haven't come loose, and are versatile enough to fit any warmth rating comforter.  I can layer comforters during the winter and have everything stay put.  I am in love with the fact that i have not had to do the comforter de-bunching-dance.    If you have bunched comforters....give these suckers a try.

Grandma's Table

Side Note:

Please feel free to leave comments!!  It makes happy to know that people are reading and i really would like feedback!

The Entry:
I am getting braver with this whole blogging thing.  I have begun to "advertise" the blog to friends,  class mates, and family and have, therefore, invited them into my life in a way that I have never done.  I have been, throughout my life, very guarded and private; letting only close friends know intimate details and stories.  This blog has opened a door; i have a new desire to open my life to friends and family in a new, much less guarded, authentic, and raw way.  This blog has left me exposed in a manner that i have not been brave enough to be.  I am most concerned about the reactions from my family.  I feel like I have been one version of me in front of them and a very different one the rest of the time.  While i know that my family is (for the most part) supportive and encouraging, there is still the fear in the back of my mind that learning about my life on such a level that i bring to the blog may cause some of my family to turn their backs.  Losing my spot at my grandmother's dinner table would be one the biggest pains of my life, no matter how intensely i have defended my independence or drifted from their reach.

I think many, if not all, members of the LGBTQ community have faced this fear at some point in their lives.  It causes me great pain that i have not been able to say that i am totally out, although i have been out in my social, work, and home life for many years.  There are still pockets of my family that i have not explicitly told.  I have dropped hints like crazy to my uncles...but i haven't said the words "yup, i'm gay" to all of them.

Thanks to the divorce, my uncles became the "positive male role models" in my life and i looked to them often as the good guys in the world.  I always looked forward to dinners at grandma's house because i got to spend time with them; I loved hearing them laugh, tell stories about their childhood with my mom, and watching movies or games with them.  I got an email tonight from the middle uncle, Dave, with a link to his bowling team's fan page...it's a riot.  He bowls at the same alley as Dylan (different night and very different league).  I wrote back and casually mentioned that I am, indeed, a lesbian:  "The woman I am dating bowls in a league there on Fridays!  I love that place!"  (I am pretty sure that Dave knows, but it just feels good that i am FINALLY...officially...out to two of the three uncles.)

Uncle Jimmy, the youngest, has been a great source of strength, perspective, and insight to the family.  He was the first one of the three i told.  He is sure that my grandparents, his parents, will be supportive, loving, and there.  He told me stories of times in his life, as well and instances in my mother's, that he feared losing the support, trust, love and confidence of his parents.  He was relieved and surprised that as much as he "messed up" they were still standing tall by his side.   I am afraid, however, that they will cling to their Catholic heritage and use their faith as a reason to abandon and shun me.  Being gay in the Catholic church isn't a source of pride.  Many of my gay friends who are still with the church speak about instances of hate and prejudice although they are, in many respects, better Catholics than their straight counterparts.  I am worried my grandparents will not be willing to recognize my future partner and children as members of their family.  I am worried that my children will grow up without great-grandparents.  I cherish the memories that i have with my Granny and it hurts my soul to think that my children would miss out on making their own memories with great-grandparents because of ignorance and hate.  My grandparents and I have not always seen eye to eye - correction - we have never seen eye to eye.  They often infuriate me, but i am terrified of losing them.

The eldest Uncle, Steve, has always been the funny one.  I sit next to him at my grandparent's dinner table and we make jokes to each other under our breath.  I have loved growing up and getting to be an adult next to him.  He was one of the first people in my life to make me feel valid as a "grown up."  I'm not even sure what exactly happened, but i remember being looked to as an equal with valid insight in the adult conversations that we have over coffee and pie after the dinner table is cleared and as our meal digests.

There is a predictability about dinners and grandma's.  To my child-self, this predictability was a welcome change to the scurry i remember feeling about being at home.  As a child i remember often feeling out of control and chaotic.  Dinners at grandma's were always the same: neat, organized, and comforting.  The food was delicious and soul satisfying; I left with a full belly and an easy-going spirit.  I guess even my adult-self often feels panicked and out-of-control and as if i am standing in the middle of a storm so I have put off coming all the way out because i have feared losing my place at the table.

Glitches....or not

This past weekend Dylan and I got to spend some quality time reconnecting, remembering each other, and having an all together good time.  I was sad to be missing a house-warming party for some friends in Missoula (love you, Grubers!!)...pending hospital bills are putting a stop on the majority of spending right now...oy.  I was also sad that putting a halt on that trip meant that I didn't get to introduce Dylan to the Framily. 

I wish that i could say that this weekend was full of fire works and bells and whistles...but it wasn't.  Drama and show is not really how either Dylan or I roll.  Rather, this weekend was full of ordinary things and finding chances to flirt and talk and laugh throughout.  Friday night we went to dinner and her bowling league.  I brought my computer with me for the weekend because i A) didn't know what my plans were beyond Friday night (I was hoping they included seeing Dylan more, but we had never talked about plans beyond Friday night and Saturday morning); and B) had a crap-ton of homework.  While she and her team bowled, i sat above the lanes and focused on my writing.  I made sure to watch her every time she was up but was mostly focused on getting a chunk of work done so that i would be free for whatever happened for the rest of the weekend.  I could see the guys she bowls with giving her a hard time about bringing a girl bowling and i loved watching her blush.  In between each frame we would flirt, make eyes at each other, and snuggle a little in public...it was refreshing to know that it was hard for her to keep her hands off of me and it was reassuring to know that the glitches i was feeling were only there because of the time we had been apart.

The rest of the weekend was AWESOME!!  We did things for her new house, i got some more homework done, we had good conversation, spent time catching up and laughed a lot.  It was nice to hug her and snuggle and feel her hands on the small of my back.  It felt so good to have her hands back in mine, to look into her beautiful brown eyes, and to get kisses on my neck.  It was comforting to hear her tell me that she thinks i'm sexy, to have her ask me when she gets to see me next, to hate to watch me walk away.

Tonight, I asked Dylan to go to a show with me this weekend...I wanted to take her out on a date.  She's not much of a show person but, in her words, "for you, i would go."  I took the opportunity to ask her to go to Ani on October 23 with me instead of the show this weekend.  She obliged..."i would love to go with you."  Along with seeing Ani, she is going to be meeting some of the Framily!  yaaay!!  I am super excited for the show and for Kristen and Aliesje to meet her.  I am excited to take her on a date, to spoil her a little, and to have a great weekend before Tyra Banks comes out (37 days and counting!).