On August 3, I went in for two ultrasounds (one internal and one external) to examine whatever my doc was feeling a few days earlier. I was nervous about this appointment....partially for what i might see on the screen or the reaction of the technician. But mostly, i was nervous about peeing. I had to drink 32 ounces of water in the hour and a half before my appointment and i couldn't use the restroom for two full hours before the appointment!!! I pee A LOT.....prolly every 30-45 minutes! 2 hours felt like punishment.
By the time i got to the hospital i thought i was going to pee my pants. My appointment was at 4:00. I wasn't called in until 4:10. I was ushered to a changing room and changed into a very chic hospital gown. I was waiting there for such a long time that i started taking pictures with my phone of my best "model pose" and sending them to some of my friends to critique....i was trying to smile with my eyes. Finally (!) at 4:25, I was called back to the exam room where I met Alex, the technician, and he did the external ultrasound. Before we started I looked at Alex and said, in an attempt to be funny (cause i was nervous and that's what i do), "I know you can't say anything, but i need you to tell me if you see a baby in there. Cause if you see a baby.....we have bigger problems."
"Why? Are you on birth control"
"Well.....gay. Thus, my dilemma."
He laughed and started the external ultrasound. This is the part where i had to really concentrate on NOT peeing...he had to press quite hard to get a good picture of my insides and i thought i was going to lose it!!! About three minutes into the external ultrasound, Alex asked if I was there to get images of my bicornuate uterus. I told him that i was there to get a picture of what was in there...my doctor and I were unsure. SURPRISE! Not only did i not know i had a bicornuate uterus - i didnt even know what that meant! I radded that to the mental list of things to look up when i got home. Alex was finished with the external ultrasound in about ten minutes and as soon as he finished, I jumped out of the bed and ran to the nearest restroom. I was so relieved!
For the internal ultrasound a woman named Sharon joined us....to make sure Alex was kosher... and we started the test. I did the best i could to make sense of the images on the monitor above my head. I asked Alex questions about what he was doing and he answered the best he could. I watched the screen as measurements were taken (110 mm....i need to remember that), he examined my ovaries and took sound images (the left one didn't have a "heart beat".....write that down, sarah), he labeled the masses (three total). I remembered the advice i got before my MRI in February: don't pay too much attention.....let the doctor interpret the data; but really didn't give it much heed.
After the tests were done, I took my time dressing and took a leisurely drive down to Corvallis for dinner with some friends. I had one of them convert those 110mm into inches...about 4.5. I vented. I listened to their stories about life. We had a good dinner and I made myself focus on the moment. I knew that my thoughts would be consumed with all of this news in the weeks leading up to my follow-up on the 25th so i wanted to focus on being with good company. The women i was with that night encouraged me to laugh and let me be real about the whole situation. I was nervous and scared. we sat in silence for a moment as someone tried to think of a way to lighten the mood after the gravity of the situation set in. I have three masses in my uterus....the largest is 4.5".
The doc's words were ringing in my ears: "if it is between 4 and 5 inches we are going to get aggressive."
21 August 2009
The Start: walking out with a plan
I am counting down the days until Wednesday. Well, actually, I am counting down the hours and minutes and seconds until Wednesday. At 8am on the morning on the 26th, I will be sitting in a sterile doctor's office chatting with Bad-Ass Barbie about the 4.5" ball of weirdness that is inside of my uterus and my floppy ovary.
I am sitting on my couch, the Friday night before, frustrated with the lack of stories from women my age. I am facing a pool of unknowns and can not find resources or outlets or solace from women in my shoes. So, with Project Runway as my soundtrack, this blog is transforming into a space for me to document my journey with Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome.
In late July, I went to my annual appointment with my gynecologist. It had actually been two years...mainly because I was scared. Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome runs in my family and my mother, noticing some symptoms in me, encouraged me to chat with my doctor about PCOS as a possible answer to my issues. Since I was 16, my period has been VERY irregular, cramps that knocked me out; i put on weight like it was my job and no matter what i tried i could not lose any weight; horrible acne; and my personal "favorite" excess hair, hirsutism. This symptom is, by far, the most difficult to deal with. I am constantly aware of my face and the male-pattern growth on my body; i do not, by any stretch of the imagination, feel feminine or pretty or desirable with black hairs sprouting where ever they want. When i start to think about this symptom and/or talk about it with friends, family, and medical professionals, i instantly well up and my heart gets lodged in my throat. I want, more than anything, to feel confident when i wake up in the morning....no make up...just my naked face.
When i went my doctor 2 years ago I chatted with her about PCOS and the possibility of a diagnosis for me. This doctor just told me i didn't have it. I was so ill-prepared to stand up for myself that i didn't push her to test my hormone levels or do ultrasounds. I took her non-diagnosis and left the office. Over the next two years, my periods were still rare but painful; the hair on my face was getting heavier and harder to deal with; and i started having more and more sharp, shooting, pains in my abdomen.
This spring i did more and more research on PCOS and made an appointment with a new doctor, a woman brand-new to Oregon with a Doctorate of Osteopathic Medicine. I decided that i was going to go into this appointment and not walk out without a plan and a diagnosis. I was positive that I have been living with PCOS for a few years and I had gotten to the point that not knowing was more damaging, mostly to my soul, than knowing and not doing anything about it. Without a confirmed diagnosis, i couldn't do anything to help myself.
I walked into my appointment on July 30 prepared to fight. I was the first appointment for the day so there was no waiting or stalling. My doctor walked in, dressed in head-to-toe bubblegum pink with blonde hair and one of the more glorious tans i had seen for a while. Immediately i thought, "oh fuck....Barbie's my gyno." We started talking about PCOS, my family's history, and my symptoms. Without hesitation, the doc looked at me and said, "You have it. There is no doubt in my mind. I can tell just by looking at you." At that point, i started crying....it was such a relief to be validated. I was such a relief to know that i would walk out with a plan. It was such a relief to know that it would get better....or at least more manageable.
As we chatted about PCOS, the doc said that (worst-case scenario) should she feel anything suspect, I would be going in for an ultrasound and we would do a full blood work-up. if i have any cysts or growths or masses between 4 and 5 inches, we would "get aggressive." I wasn't totally sure what that meant or how that simple sentence could change the route of the rest of my 2009. During the exam, the doc looked up at me and said, with a puzzled look, "hunh...you have a very large uterus." Of course, my nervous humor took over. "Thanks," i said, as i flipped my hair.
The doc finished the exam, took her gloves off, and said, "well, Sarah....this is worst-case scenario. I don't like what i feel so we are going to get aggressive." I was set up with prescriptions as an attempt to even out my hormones, appointments were made for ultrasounds and a follow-up. I did what i planned to do.....I was walking out with a plan.
I am sitting on my couch, the Friday night before, frustrated with the lack of stories from women my age. I am facing a pool of unknowns and can not find resources or outlets or solace from women in my shoes. So, with Project Runway as my soundtrack, this blog is transforming into a space for me to document my journey with Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome.
In late July, I went to my annual appointment with my gynecologist. It had actually been two years...mainly because I was scared. Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome runs in my family and my mother, noticing some symptoms in me, encouraged me to chat with my doctor about PCOS as a possible answer to my issues. Since I was 16, my period has been VERY irregular, cramps that knocked me out; i put on weight like it was my job and no matter what i tried i could not lose any weight; horrible acne; and my personal "favorite" excess hair, hirsutism. This symptom is, by far, the most difficult to deal with. I am constantly aware of my face and the male-pattern growth on my body; i do not, by any stretch of the imagination, feel feminine or pretty or desirable with black hairs sprouting where ever they want. When i start to think about this symptom and/or talk about it with friends, family, and medical professionals, i instantly well up and my heart gets lodged in my throat. I want, more than anything, to feel confident when i wake up in the morning....no make up...just my naked face.
When i went my doctor 2 years ago I chatted with her about PCOS and the possibility of a diagnosis for me. This doctor just told me i didn't have it. I was so ill-prepared to stand up for myself that i didn't push her to test my hormone levels or do ultrasounds. I took her non-diagnosis and left the office. Over the next two years, my periods were still rare but painful; the hair on my face was getting heavier and harder to deal with; and i started having more and more sharp, shooting, pains in my abdomen.
This spring i did more and more research on PCOS and made an appointment with a new doctor, a woman brand-new to Oregon with a Doctorate of Osteopathic Medicine. I decided that i was going to go into this appointment and not walk out without a plan and a diagnosis. I was positive that I have been living with PCOS for a few years and I had gotten to the point that not knowing was more damaging, mostly to my soul, than knowing and not doing anything about it. Without a confirmed diagnosis, i couldn't do anything to help myself.
I walked into my appointment on July 30 prepared to fight. I was the first appointment for the day so there was no waiting or stalling. My doctor walked in, dressed in head-to-toe bubblegum pink with blonde hair and one of the more glorious tans i had seen for a while. Immediately i thought, "oh fuck....Barbie's my gyno." We started talking about PCOS, my family's history, and my symptoms. Without hesitation, the doc looked at me and said, "You have it. There is no doubt in my mind. I can tell just by looking at you." At that point, i started crying....it was such a relief to be validated. I was such a relief to know that i would walk out with a plan. It was such a relief to know that it would get better....or at least more manageable.
As we chatted about PCOS, the doc said that (worst-case scenario) should she feel anything suspect, I would be going in for an ultrasound and we would do a full blood work-up. if i have any cysts or growths or masses between 4 and 5 inches, we would "get aggressive." I wasn't totally sure what that meant or how that simple sentence could change the route of the rest of my 2009. During the exam, the doc looked up at me and said, with a puzzled look, "hunh...you have a very large uterus." Of course, my nervous humor took over. "Thanks," i said, as i flipped my hair.
The doc finished the exam, took her gloves off, and said, "well, Sarah....this is worst-case scenario. I don't like what i feel so we are going to get aggressive." I was set up with prescriptions as an attempt to even out my hormones, appointments were made for ultrasounds and a follow-up. I did what i planned to do.....I was walking out with a plan.
20 May 2007
great lines
"When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, i make an occasional cheese dip."
~A Confederacy of Dunces
"You can not fully understand something unless you can teach it to your grandmother." ~Einstein
"Life you life in a manner that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrott to the town gossip." ~Will Rogers
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric. ~Bertrand Russell
~A Confederacy of Dunces
"You can not fully understand something unless you can teach it to your grandmother." ~Einstein
"Life you life in a manner that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrott to the town gossip." ~Will Rogers
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric. ~Bertrand Russell
18 May 2007
the smallest of favors
i drove along the river with the sun kissing my skin, i watched the city water the dead. the small cemetery, with it's garden of generations of glenwood natives, sat still and drank in all that the current citizens could offer them. There were no flowers adorning the headstones, no flags marking the plots of the humble service men who lost their lives protecting the people of the small town they spent their lives, no families visiting their lost loves. All theat stood were six sprinkler heads spread thoughtout the grounds spraying their water about the tenants; tall, rusty, and satisfying.
It seemed appropriate that in this small sleepy town the only one to attend to the dead would be the one man who sets a seasonal timer. No one there except the passers by to make sure that their tax dollars are being spent well.
What would they think? Do the ghosts and spectors who haunt glenwood springs even know they are being attended to? Are they starving for more? Are they disappointed in those who put them there? What else do they want?
It seemed appropriate that in this small sleepy town the only one to attend to the dead would be the one man who sets a seasonal timer. No one there except the passers by to make sure that their tax dollars are being spent well.
What would they think? Do the ghosts and spectors who haunt glenwood springs even know they are being attended to? Are they starving for more? Are they disappointed in those who put them there? What else do they want?
17 May 2007
to thine self be true
If i have only learned one thing while living in colorado, it is that there is nothing more important than being completely true to my own morals and values.
Today, whilst walking around the meadows and hanging with amy, i saw a simple silver cuff with those words engraved on them. There were only two hanging on the model. First, i called kat to tell her as that has been her mantra for as long as i have known her. Then, as i told amy about them she suggested that we get them as "best friends" bracelets. As cheese-ball as that sounds, that is the best idea i have heard in a long time. Amy and i have become so close so quickly. It's funny. When she started in her newest position i didn't have enough faith in her. Her success taught me that there is nothing greater gift a person can give than their honest faith. I thought that she could do the technical part of the job but i was worried about her ability to connect as a supervisor with a group a students who were initially her peers. She has taught me that as long as i can hold on to my confidence and determiniation, there is nothing that i can not do. She has taught me that as long as i remember who i am, the values that i hold dear, and my convictions as a professional, there is nothing that i cannot accomplish. She has taught me that the only critic who matters is myself. If i can do my job well and fall asleep with a smile on my face then i have done a good job. She has taught me that i need to do all that i can do in every situation so that i can say, "there is nothing left for me to do." She has been a model leader and shown me the definition of leading by example. Mostly, she has made me laugh so hard, every day; and she has been one of the most consistent ears and shoulders and compassionate souls i ahve had here.
i can't believe that i ever doubted her.
i can't believe i have to learn to live without her constant presence in oregon.
Today, whilst walking around the meadows and hanging with amy, i saw a simple silver cuff with those words engraved on them. There were only two hanging on the model. First, i called kat to tell her as that has been her mantra for as long as i have known her. Then, as i told amy about them she suggested that we get them as "best friends" bracelets. As cheese-ball as that sounds, that is the best idea i have heard in a long time. Amy and i have become so close so quickly. It's funny. When she started in her newest position i didn't have enough faith in her. Her success taught me that there is nothing greater gift a person can give than their honest faith. I thought that she could do the technical part of the job but i was worried about her ability to connect as a supervisor with a group a students who were initially her peers. She has taught me that as long as i can hold on to my confidence and determiniation, there is nothing that i can not do. She has taught me that as long as i remember who i am, the values that i hold dear, and my convictions as a professional, there is nothing that i cannot accomplish. She has taught me that the only critic who matters is myself. If i can do my job well and fall asleep with a smile on my face then i have done a good job. She has taught me that i need to do all that i can do in every situation so that i can say, "there is nothing left for me to do." She has been a model leader and shown me the definition of leading by example. Mostly, she has made me laugh so hard, every day; and she has been one of the most consistent ears and shoulders and compassionate souls i ahve had here.
i can't believe that i ever doubted her.
i can't believe i have to learn to live without her constant presence in oregon.
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